


My Own Prison

by Acacia_Mac



Series: Mandatory Refusal [1]
Category: La Femme Nikita, Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Anal Sex, Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Rape, Torture, old Fic I wrote years ago...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:33:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 38,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4693895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acacia_Mac/pseuds/Acacia_Mac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wow.. this is one of many stories I'll be posting that I wrote YEARS ago...<br/>Disclaimer: Neither show is mine… don’t sue!  I promise to give them back… sometime.<br/>Summary:  What would happen if everyone believed that Justin hadn’t survived the attack at the Prom?  What if Justin was pulled into a world of death and destruction because of a mistake?  What will happen when Brian sees the person he believed to be dead years later?</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Own Prison

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Okay I’m taking some liberties here. I’m re-arranging the Nikita timeline, only the years really, nothing else. I am basically moving the time between the first and second seasons to 2001. Hey it’s allowed.   
> Note 2: This is a result of Circe’s fic… she got me thinking and I just hate it when that happens. So sweetie this one’s for you, amongst others.   
> Note 3: This fic will jump around a little… flashback scenes will be indicated at the start of the sequence with place and time.

Title:  My Own Prison

A la femme Nikita/ Queer as Folk x-Over

Author: Acacia

_ A court is in session a verdict is in _

_ No appeal on the docket today, just my own sin _

_ The walls are cold and pale the cage made of steel _

_ Screams fill the room alone I drop and kneel _

_ Silence now the sound my breath the only motion around _

_ Demons cluttering around my face showing no emotion _

_ Shackled by my sentence expecting no return _

_ Here there is no penance my skin begins to burn _

_ Creed _

_ My Own Prison _

** June 2006 **

** Paris ** ** France **

Brian walked into the club and made his way over to the bar.  When Vance had told him that he had to get this account, and that he would be traveling to Paris, Brian was partially thrilled.  These past couple of years have been hard… harder than he ever would’ve imagined.  _Has it really been five years?_ He thought to himself.  _I never would’ve thought that one kid… one night could change my life.  Fuck, how wrong I was._   

It was that night five years ago, that Brian life had changed.  He realized his love for a beautiful young man, and was ready to take that step forward.  But instead of enjoying and basking in that truth… he lost it all in one moment of hesitation.  One moment of pure hatred, and sorrow.  Brian had lost everything that day.  He refused to get close to anyone… and the idea of anyone touching him, made his stomach quiver.  There were only one set of hands he wanted, only one person’s kisses he wanted.  But now it’s too late.  

* * * * * * * * *

##  FLASHBACK

**_ LATE MAY 2001 _ **

**_ PITTSBURGH _ ** **_ , PA _ **

**_ CEMETARY _ **

Brian could still see the look on Justin’s face – his smile warming Brian’s heart, a heart that he thought was frozen solid.  He could still hear the sound of the bat connecting with Justin’s skull, the feeling of Justin’s blood soaking his skin and clothes.  He remembered seeing the figure heading toward Justin, and how he had froze.  Two seconds… two seconds too late.  If only he had reacted quicker, they wouldn’t be here.  Justin would still be alive, and not laying in that coffin alone…being placed deep within the ground.  No he would be there with him, they would be together.

_ ‘It was the best night of my life’ _

_ ‘Even if it was ridiculously romantic?’ _

__

_ ‘JUSTIN!’ _

_ ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. GOD!’ _

__

‘ _I’m sorry, but we tried everything we could.  Mr. Taylor as no brain activity.  There’s nothing we can do’_

__

_ ‘This is your fault.  You killed him.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

__

_ “You never felt anything for him?” _

_ “I cared about him… I loved him.” _

__

Michael was standing by Brian, placing a hand on his arm.  But Brian never felt it.  He couldn’t feel it.  His feelings, his life, was in that wooden box being lowered into the ground with his love.  With the only person who he had ever opened up to and allowed in.

Brian turned and walked away.  He couldn’t stand there anymore with all the sad faces, and sympathetic looks and words.  He didn’t want to believe that Justin was gone.  He still felt him.  He still wanted to believe that Justin was alive, somewhere.  He would be with Justin someday.  He would tell Justin that he loved him.  He had to believe that or all of this was for naught.

* * * * * * * * *

** June 2006 **

** Paris ** ** France **

Brian knew that everyone was worried about him – which he had in affect closed himself off from everyone and anyone, just going through the motions of existing.  He never realized that one person could affect him this much.  That his life could change so much from one moment – that one man, child really – could make such an impact into his life.  _‘God, I miss him,’_ Brian thought.  Even after 5 long years he still feels the pull in his chest when he thinks of the young man.  Just when he was ready to try and open up, everything gets ripped from him.  He hated it… he hated that he still felt this way.  

Brian still to this day felt that tightness in his chest that told him that Justin was around, despite the fact that it was impossible.  Justin was gone and buried… for years now.  So why does his heart still tell him that Justin is alive and waiting for him to take him away from wherever he is?  _‘No wonder everyone is so worried about me.  I have fucking lost it.’_   Brian knew that there was something about this town, something that made him feel closer to Justin.  Maybe it was the memories of them sitting at Deb’s house watching those damn awful slides of Mikey’s trip… or maybe their own talk later that night about going someday.  Who knows?  They had talked in humor about going together one day, but Brian now wished that he had the chance to bring the blond here.  God, how he missed Justin.

Brian looked around and noticed that there were more people in tonight than there had been the night before.  He wasn’t sure why he came back to this little place, but something in him said that he had to be there.  He wondered briefly if it was some holiday that he didn’t know of, or some special event that this place had on every Wednesday night.  Leaning back against the bar, he looked around the room, taking in the normalcy of the everyday people’s lives.  He craved that type of ease and normalcy.  _Hell if I can just get one good night of sleep I’d be happy._   _I haven’t sleep through a night in the past 5 years._   Brian knew that he should get some help… some professional help so he could get past that night.  But he wasn’t sure that he really wanted to.  What would stop them from making him forget?  He didn’t want to ever forget Justin, he couldn’t.  _Hell everyone else has forgotten him.  Who would remember him if I forgot?  If I let myself forget?  No one.  I won’t let him be lost._

Out of the corner of his eye, Brian spotted a young blond walking into the club and instantly his heart started to beat out of his chest.  Blinking his eyes to clear his vision, Brian took a closer look, and froze.  _It can’t be.  Now I’m starting to see him here too?  I have fucking lost it._   Brian moved out of his chair and started to walk over to the man in question.  He had the same build as Justin… a little more muscular, but basically the same.  His hair was longer, and he wore designer clothes and glasses, but the ass was the same as Justin’s.  Brian was ready to just say that he was dreaming, until he heard the voice.  Justin’s voice.  “Alright.  I’m in position.  Report,” the man quietly said, but it caused Brian’s breath to catch in his throat.  

_ It can’t be.  He’s dead.  What the hell is going on here? _   Brian reached the young man and placed a hand on his shoulder.  “Justin?”

The man turned around and Brian instantly knew that he was right… Justin is alive.  How he didn’t know, but the truth was right before him.  The man quickly recovered, hiding behind a mask of indifference.  “Monsieur désolé. Y a-t-il un problème?”  _(Sorry sir.  Is there a problem?)_

“Justin.  It’s me.  Brian.”  

The man just shook his head, but Brian wasn’t buying it.  He knew that this was the man he loved, the man who had haunted him for the past 5 years.  “Qui est ce Justin? Vous devez m'avoir erroné pour quelqu'un d'autre. _(Who is this Justin?  You must have me mistaken for someone else.)_ ”  The man turned and walked away from Brian, and Brian knew that he just had to try and get him to talk to him.  He had to find out what the hell was going on.  He KNEW that the man before him was Justin, if the first reaction confirmed anything for him it was that.

Brian followed Justin through the bar, as he watched Justin stand by a door in the far end of the room.  “Okay,” Brian heard as he hid behind a tall plant, trying not to scare Justin off.  “I’m going dark approach.  Fifteen.”

_ What the fuck?  What is going on here? _ Brian wondered as he watched Justin open the door and slip in.  Brian followed closely behind, opened the door, and slipped in himself.  He spotted Justin walking toward one of the rooms to the side, and he continued to move toward Justin.  Suddenly, Brian felt someone pull him into one of the rooms, and place a hand over his mouth.  “What the **hell** do you think you’re doing?  You can’t be here.  Dammit Brian.  What the fuck are you doing?”

Brian removed himself from the man and turned to face his assailant.  “Lost the French, Sunshine?”

“Fuck,” Justin cursed.  Brian watched as Justin looked around, then began to usher Brian off to the side.  “Listen… for once in your fucking life listen.  You can’t be here.  It’s dangerous.  Stay here and don’t fucking move.  Wait for me… don’t do, say, or touch anything understand?”

“What the fuck is going on Justin?  Everyone thought you were dead.”

Justin shook his head, and looked at Brian in the eyes.  “Just please do as I ask.  I can’t explain right now, okay?  I promise I will answer your questions as best as I can… but you have to do as I say.  Okay.  Please.  Brian,” he said as he placed a hand on Brian’s cheek.  Both men felt the heat and electricity that they thought had died 5 years ago.  “Please.  I promise.  Go wait for me out at the bar.  Don’t let anyone see you in here.  Please.”

Brian just nodded and moved away.  He opened the door a crack and looked around.  Once he was sure that no one could see him, he stepped back out into main area of the bar to wait for Justin.  All Brian knew was that he wanted…no needed answers.  _What the FUCK is going on?  Justin ‘died’ five fucking years ago…so what the fuck is he doing here?  What is going on?  Why didn’t he contact us?  Contact me?_

Brian just sat there ordered a Jim Beam and waited for the young man who held all the answers.  He wasn’t leaving Paris without Justin.  If that small touch, that small spark that had passed between the two meant anything… there was still something there.  Brian had every intention of getting his answers met, and see if there was still anything between the two.  

* * * * * * * * *

__

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!  What the hell is he doing here?  What the hell was I thinking when I let him know who I was?  FUCK!  Think Justin.  Think!  Finish the damn mission… one thing at a time.   _ Justin took a deep breath once he saw the door close behind the man who had haunted his every thought for the past six years.  He had now 12 minutes to get the documents and get out without being detected.  Justin shook his head and made his way down the hallway toward a locked door.  Sliding the cardkey into the slot he stepped inside and quickly made his way over to the computer in the corner of the room.  

Justin placed a small black device beside the computer, and connected it to the USB port in the back.  “Okay, Jason.  Let’s hope you’re as good as your brother,” Justin said as he booted the computer and once he reached the login screen pressed a button on the device.  Twenty seconds later, Justin was in, and he began to access the necessary files.  Copying them over to another device in his hand, Justin looked at his watch.  Four minutes remained when the computer signaled completion.  

Shutting off the computer, and taking his items with him, Justin quickly picked up a small piece of paper and wrote a quick note on it.  _This will have to do for now.  Brian has to wait._   Note and equipment in hand, Justin walked out of the room, and headed straight for the main room of the bar.  Walking up to the bar, Justin ordered a quick drink making sure that he was standing next to Brian.  Turning his head to the side he spoke quietly into the air.  “Material secure.  Move to phase two.”  Justin turned around and leaned against the bar.  Without much movement, he slipped something into Brian’s hand as he placed his cup on the bar and walked out.

Brian sat at the bar in wonder.  Justin didn’t say a word to him.  Pulling out some money, Brian placed them on the counter and headed out into the warm night, hoping to catch a glimpse of Justin.  Seeing nothing, Brian pulled out the note and read it.

_ ‘58, Rue François-1er.  Tomorrow 10 p.m. Don’t tell anyone you saw me.  Please Brian.  It’s a mater of life and death.  Do **NOT**  tell anyone.  – Justin.’ _

Brian just placed the note in the pocket of his jacket and turned to walk back to his hotel.  He had to think.  He had to figure out what was going on… why didn’t Justin want him to tell anyone that he had seen him?  Why was he being so secretive?  What was he doing in that bar?  More importantly, what the hell happened five years ago when they all through he had died?

* * * * * * * * *

Justin walked through the Van Access and began to walk down the long hallway leading to comms on his way toward the Perch.  He had to debrief with Nikita but Justin cursed what else he had to tell the woman.  The last thing he wanted was for anything to happen to Brian, but he knew that it would be far worse if he didn’t tell them.  He had to tell them that his past had come back… and hope and pray that nothing bad would happen to Brian as a result of his ignorance.  Justin had felt like he didn’t need to worry about running into anyone he knew from his past life… not here in Paris.  Yeah, Michael had come once, but what would be the chances that they would run into each other.  And more importantly what would be the chances that anyone would care if he was found alive.  

His life before Section was over.  It was over the day that Madeline brought him in… it was over the day that Chris Hobbs took a bat to his head.  Justin still didn’t know why he was brought in, and he doubted that he would ever find out.  Fate had decided that he was doomed to lead this life… in this hell.  Far from his loved ones, and the man he loved.  That was the way of things.  There was no escaping Section once you got in, it was in essence a life sentence.  

Now his past had caught up to him, and Justin was left trying to get his mind and heart in order.  What would they do?  Would they cancel Brian all because he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?  It’s happened before, more times than Justin cared to admit.  But things were different now with Nikita and Michael in charge.  How could they in essence tell him that he was wrong when they themselves were in the same position?  Michael has his son, after he was ‘killed’… so the past met the present.  Nikita… Justin couldn’t count the number of times Nikita broke some rule, but he knew that he wasn’t them.  

With his current promotion, Justin wasn’t sure what was happening anymore.  Yes, his life was on the ‘fast-track’… his position in Section rising… but what did that mean to his current situation.  Justin briefly wondered that if he wasn’t in the position he was in, where would he be today?  Would he have been able to go to PIFA?  Would he be with Brian?  Shaking his head, Justin sighed.  _No use thinking of what could have been.  I’m here and that’s the end of it.  I can’t do anything about it now.  My life was decided the day I woke up here.  You can’t go back._

* * * * * * * * *

###  FLASHBACK

**_ EARLY JUNE 2001 _ **

**_ PARTS UNKNOWN _ **

#  _ SECTION ONE HEADQUARTERS _

Slowly Justin opened his eyes, and saw that he was in a stark white room.  The light was blinding and the pain in his temples immense.  He tried to talk, to ask where he was… what had happened… but no words would come out.  His head was throbbing, the pain was incapaciting.  He couldn’t think.  “Welcome back, Mr. Taylor,” he heard a voice from the side state.

Justin slowly turned his head to the side and saw a woman dressed in black with long dark flowing hair.  “W….where?”

“You’ve suffered a serious injury, don’t try to talk now.  In time everything will become clear,” the woman stated.  

“Bri..”

“Get some rest now, Mr. Taylor.  When you are well again, I’ll explain everything to you.  You’re one of us now,” she told him than walked out of the room.  Justin didn’t know what to make of it.  His new life?  What was she talking about?  Was he dead?  What the hell happened?  Where was Brian, his mother… the gang?  Justin closed his eyes, and brought up a picture of Brian.  The last thing he remembered was being at Babylon and asking Brian to the Prom.  What had happened after that?  

* * * * * * * * *

** June 2006 **

** Paris ** ** France **

It was two weeks later, after extensive therapy that Justin had learned what had happened.  Finding out that he had gone to Prom, and Brian had shown up shocked him.  Why didn’t he remember it?  Then learning that Chris Hobbs had attacked him with a bat… that everyone thought he was dead.  He discovered that he was going to be stuck here for the rest of his life… wherever here was.  Justin learned that he was now apart of some organization fighting Terrorism.  Why?  He wasn’t sure why he was brought here… he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Justin was placed under the watchful eye of Michael… he was now his material.  Justin learned everything from Michael during his training.  He had heard through the grapevine….okay from Walter, that Michael’s last Material was dead… that she was Michael’s last hope at maybe finding a soul.  However three months into his training they all found out that Nikita, that was her name, wasn’t dead at all.  

Justin wasn’t too sure about her, but over time they clicked.  Both realizing that they were both in the same position – both brought in for no reason… both subjected to the horrors of this life without any cause.  Justin ‘graduated’ his training 6 months before the normal 2 years… and moved into an apartment near Nikita.  They often would spend nights just talking.  They were both assigned to the same team, and were often asked to play brother and sister.  

Justin however was ordered to do things that they never made Nikita do.  Justin was ordered to sleep with many of their targets… he was – as he found out – planned to be the next Michael.  Justin hated his life… he hated being forced to kill.  He didn’t mind being a valentine op, since he just played it off as tricking… just like Brian.  It was the only way he could get through those nights.  But the killing?  Justin felt a part of him die each time he had to pull the trigger.

Over the years he had learned however to detach himself – separate himself from the horrors around him.  This allowed him to quickly move up the ranks.  Within a year after he completed his training he was a team leader… within 2 years he was already a level 4 operative, having more freedom to move around the halls of Section.  He had seen Section change hands more times in the last year or so than he cared to admit.  He still wasn’t over that whole betrayal yet.  Nikita had hurt him, betrayed him.  

Justin shook his head, shaking off any ill thoughts of his new Operations, new leader.  Michael had returned to Section within a couple of months of his being free.  He and Nikita now ran Section… with Michael in Madeline’s old spot, and Nikita in charge.  Everyone had thought it would be the other way around, but how wrong they were.  Justin now, however, was in Michael’s old position.  He had the most freedom that he could ever hope for… he was in charge of a lot of things.  He was granted Level 5 Status, and given the job of Chief Strategic Analyst, and in charge of Red Team.  

The missions were harder, and he found himself with less time alone… but for Justin that was actually a dream come true.  He hated all of his time alone.  All it allowed him was haunting memories of those he had left behind… those who had thought him dead.  The man he loved, still to this day, would be in his every thought… every dream.  No matter what Justin did, he would never forget Brian Kinney.

And now Brian was here… in Paris.  And worse yet, Brian had seen him.  Justin only hoped that he could get Nikita to let him have this… let Brian live.  

Justin walked into the perch and began his debrief with Operations… although he still had a hard time calling Nikita that, but he wasn’t the only one. After discussing the mission, and handing over the files he recovered instead of leaving, Justin just stood there.  Nikita caught on and engaged a privacy mode in the office so no one could listen in.  Justin normally didn’t stay around anymore to talk after he had debriefed.  He wanted to be as far away from there as possible, and Nikita knew this.  Seeing him stand there waiting… Nikita knew that there was something on the young man’s mind.  “What’s wrong, Justin,” her soft voice asked, as she leaned up against the table by the window.

Justin turned so he could look out over Comms, and took a deep breath.  “I’ve been compromised,” he stated almost choking on the words.  “I saw someone from my past, someone from … from home.”

“Did this person recognize you?”  Justin nodded.  “Who was it,” she asked seeing the pain etched on the young man’s face.  Justin turned away from Nikita, and she knew that he didn’t want to tell her.  The pain that he was showing cut deep into Nikita’s soul.  She knew where he was coming from, what he was going through.  “Justin, you know you have to tell me.  It will be better in the long run if you tell me everything now.”  Anyone who looked at Justin could see the struggle that he was going through, as he tried to figure out in his mind which would be the best course of action.  He knew that if he didn’t tell, that Nikita would be forced to take matters into her own hands.  By telling her, now before things got out of control, he had a chance to fix it, to make things right.  Nikita knew of only one person who would make Justin this conflicted.  “Is it that Brian you told me about?”  She immediately caught the quick intake of breath and knew that she was right.  “Has he asked to see you?  Has a meeting been set up?”

“I asked him to meet me tomorrow night at Al Ajami around 10:00.”  Justin turned to Nikita, and looked in her eye.  “I don’t want anything to happen to him,” Justin pleaded.

“Listen I only want to talk with him.  Get a feel for what he knows.  This will be off the record, I promise,” Nikita explained to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.  Justin nodded and left the office.

* * * * * * * * *

Nikita stood for a minute watching Justin’s trek through Section, thinking about what she was going to do.  Moving over to the computer she accessed the files and typed in **Kinney, Brian**.  Immediately she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that he was on the ‘A-list’.  It appears that Mr. Kinney could not be touched by Section.  Now the only problem is what they were going to do about this latest problem.  Nikita dialed a number on her cell and waited to be connected with her ‘cover’.  “We have a problem, and you’re going to help me fix it.”

* * * * * * * * *

** June 2006 **

** Paris ** ** France **

Justin walked through the halls of Section after a restless night, and headed straight toward the one person who he knew would tell him what his chances were.  The one person who had never lied to him.  Walking up to the small table in the center of the room, Justin sat down and smiled.  “Hey Walter.”

“Hey kiddo, what’s shakin,” Walter asked Justin as he moved throughout Munitions inventorying his weapons.  Walter was one of the oldest in Section, and had been stuck within these walls for over 35 years.  Justin couldn’t imagine being here that long… surviving that long.  Justin knew that life in Section was hard, and if someone lived past the first ten years… hell the first two years, then they had a chance.  But he had never heard of anyone lasting as long as Walter had.  Walter had become a father-figure… well a grandfather figure to Justin from the first moment he had stepped onto the firing Range.  Walter couldn’t believe that this young kid was there.

* * * * * * * * *

###  FLASHBACK

**_ EARLY JUNE 2001 _ **

**_ PARTS UNKNOWN _ **

###  SECTION ONE HEADQUARTERS

Justin walked onto the shooting range, leaving Michael to go about his business.  Michael had told him that he was going to meet up with Walter and begin his training with weapons.  Justin already was hating his life here.  He didn’t know why he was here, or what he had done to get here, but he knew well enough that it didn’t matter.  He was stuck here.

Justin saw an elderly man, most likely in his 60’s standing off to the side of the room.  He wore a bandana to keep his long white hair off of his face, ponytail, and a leather jacket.  “They just keep getting younger and younger,” the man said.  Justin gave the man a small smile, and walked further into the room.  “Ever shoot a gun before kiddo?”

“You must be Walter right?”  When the other man nodded Justin just shrugged.  “And to answer your question…no,” Justin told him.  “It’s not really the country club thing to do.”

Walter laughed, and started to lead Justin through the room toward a small table.  Justin saw guns that he had only seen on TV, laying out across the table ready for his use.  “I guess that these definitely wouldn’t be the Country Club thing, huh?  Not that I would know… not really that type if you know what I mean.”  Justin nodded looking at the table, feeling his fear rise.  What in the hell was he doing here?  “So I ah… I hear that your hand is weak,” Walter carefully asked.

“Yeah.  The doctors say that it will get better, but…  With the way things are now, who knows.  I’m not really cut out for this sort of thing, you know?”  Justin informed Walter.  

Walter stepped closer to Justin, causing the young man to take a step back.  Seeing the slight fear in the kid’s eyes, Walter moved to a safer distance realizing where it was coming from.  Walter had heard the tales of his young man, thanks to Birkoff’s digging, and felt for the kid.  No one should have to go through that and then be forced to do what he will inevitably do here.  The dam kid was just violated, and has no one around to help him through the mess he will go through.  “Listen, kid.”

“I’m not a kid,” Justin said defiantly.

Walter smiled… at least the kid still had some spark in him.  “Listen, Justin.  No one is cut out to do this, but if you want to survive you sort of have to go with the flow.”

“Hobbs should’ve killed me… oh wait he did,” Justin said with anger.

Walter felt his heart sink.  He hated that Justin felt that he was better off dead… he seemed like a good kid, and Walter knew that he would be one of the good guys.  After Nikita’s death, he knew that Section needed someone like him.  Walter decided that it would be up to him to make sure that this kid made it… that he survived.  “Hey, listen…I know that it may seem that way now, hell no one would blame you, but things will get easier.  Maybe not always better, but they will get easier.  You seem like a good guy, and I’d hate to see anything happen to you.  Life here will be a pain in the ass, now doubt about that.  They will make you do things that you never would’ve wanted or ever would’ve done in the outside world.  But we do some good here, and that’s something you need to keep in mind.  Don’t let them take anything away from you.  You have a chance to live… enjoy life.  It’s a hell of a ride.”

“I’ve read your file, and I can honestly say that you are one tough young man.  You see what you want and you go for it.  Don’t let what some… some homophobic asshole did destroy you.”  Justin looked at Walter with a slight glimmer of hope in his eyes.  “Let it make you stronger.  You’ve lived through hell… now make life your own.  They will push you, make you wish you were never born… but know that you have already lived through tough times.  What they do to you, won’t make a damn bit of difference.”  Walter sat down in a chair near the table.  He wanted to make sure that this man made it… he needed to feel like some good can come out of this place.  “Live your life, as you know how – having fun, doing whatever.  It’s the only way to survive here.  Don’t lose yourself in the horror… lose yourself in the joy.  The outside world is still there.”

“I can’t promise anything,” Justin told him.  Silently hoping that he could do as the man had suggested.  He wanted to feel something again.  Anything besides the pain.  And what Walter was telling him, he could still have a life…just a different one.  

“No one is asking you to, but all I ask is that you try.  Don’t let them take your soul.  It’s still there, even after what happened to you, I can see it.  Keep it locked up, keep it with you… don’t lose site of what you want to do, what you want.  Hide it from them… don’t let them take that away from you.  That’s all the advice I can give you, except don’t let them see that you care… that you are living, per say.  They will do whatever they can to try and destroy you… just don’t let that happen,” Walter finished, and he allowed his words to sink into the blond’s head.  “Now… we’re going to work on first learning to shoot with your left hand, since the right one is still weak.  But I can say, in no time you’ll be one hell of a shot with both hands.”

* * * * * * * * *

** June 2006 **

** Paris ** ** France **

Walter had been everything to Justin – a father, a mentor, a friend.  Without Walter and his advice, Justin knew that he would’ve been lost a long time ago.  He never would’ve made it this far.  “Can I ask you a question?”

“You know you can.  What’s wrong,” Walter asked sitting down in a chair across from the young operative.  

Justin picked up a PDA and stared down at it, not sure how to even broach this subject.  “Have you ever had your past come back?  Ever seen anyone from back then?”

“Once,” Walter said with a smile.  Justin knew that it had to have been a good meeting if Walter was happy about it.  “She was wonderful, beautiful.  Ahh, it made everything seem great.  Like nothing could touch me.”

“Did they know?”

“Madeline and Operations?  Not that I know of,” Walter stated.  “Who is it?”

Justin took a deep breath and sighed.  “Brian.  It’s not like I had planned to see him… I even tried to pretend that I didn’t know him.  God what the hell is he doing here?  If I was in Pitts or the states I could understand, but I never thought that I would see someone I knew here.”

Walter stood and directed Justin to follow him toward the back of the storage area so that they could talk privately.  Walter stood against the wall allowing Justin to take the chair.  “Brian?  The one who you loved?  How?”  Walter felt that this was just too good to be true.  Justin was right, what would be the chance that he would just happen to run into the one person who knew him better than anyone.

Justin shrugged.  “I don’t know.  It just seems all surreal.  It was during the mission last night… Brian was there, I didn’t even see him.  He came up behind me and I knew he was shocked.”

“To say the least,” Walter said shaking his head.  He had to sit down.  Moving another chair over, he sat down and waiting to hear the story.  And if Walter knew anything about Justin’s history with Brian Kinney, he knew that it would be explosive.  “So what happened?”

Justin began to tell the story, leaving nothing out – not his feelings, not what it felt like when their skin touched, nothing.  Every detail was given to the one person whom Justin felt he could truly trust in that place.  “I told him to meet me tonight.  I don’t know why I did it.  Fuck!”  Justin stood and started to pace the small room, trying to get his thoughts in order.  “I had to tell them, Walter.  I had to.  I didn’t want to.  If anything happens to him cause of me…”

“Nikita isn’t like Paul and Madeline.  You know that.  She’s been there where you are now.  She’ll try everything that she can to keep that from happening.  I’m sure she’ll try,” Walter tried to calm the man before him.  He knew that it was hopeless, since everyone knew what could happen.  Brian could be cancelled or brought in, and Walter knew that if either of those happened, Justin would be gone.  He would never survive that.  Walter stood and placed a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  “You had no choice.  It’s better that they find out from you than finding out on their own.  It’s better this way.  I’m sure that it will all work out in the end.”

“You don’t know that… no one does.”  Justin turned to Walter and a small smile appeared on his lips.  “He was always a pain in my ass.  Never listening to a thing I said.  I guess I knew that this would happen.  God!  Why did I have to fall in love with such a hard-head?”

Walter smiled back at Justin.  “What I want to know is how?  It seems like too much of a coincidence.  It’s not like, as you said, you’re in the States.  No, we’re in Paris.  What are the chances that he would be at the same club, at the same time, in the same city… hell the same damn continent as you?”

Justin nodded, and shrugged.  “Hell if I know.  I thought about it.  Is it a test?  Why now?  I don’t understand it?”

“I don’t think it’s a test… too many variables, and it’s not Nikita’s style.  You’ve proven yourself time and time again,” Walter said trying hard to believe his own words.  Unfortunately years of living behind these walls have proven to him that people change… situations change.  It was something about that office high above them that made the best of people become bitter enemies.  He knew in his heart that Nikita wouldn’t be that way, but maybe it wasn’t her.  “It could just be fate.”

“With my luck?  Nah… I don’t know, though.  I can say this, I’m going to enjoy the time that I have.  One way or the other, tonight’s going to decide my future… Section’s future.  I won’t let them touch Brian, and I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure that doesn’t happen.”  Justin turned away from Walter and started toward the exit.  “Walter?  Thanks.  For everything.  I’ll see ya later, okay?”

Walter felt as if the air had been sucked out of him.  He didn’t know what Justin had planned, but he wasn’t sure that it would be good.  “Call me tonight… let me know how it went.  I’ll be waiting to hear.”

“I’ll call you tonight.  Later,” Justin promised as he walked out of Munitions and made his way toward his office.  

* * * * * * * * *

Justin walked into the restaurant a head of time, hoping to have some time alone with Brian before all hell broke lose.  He had to see the man that he had loved all those years ago, and still loved.  He knew that Nikita would be arriving soon, and these very well could be the last minutes he would ever have with Brian.  Justin planned on making the most out of it.  ‘Live your life,’ Walter had told him on many occasions, and that’s just what Justin planned on doing.

Justin spotted Brian sitting at a secluded table in the back of the room, dressed in a dark gray Armani suit and red silk shirt.  To Justin, it was like a dream.  Brian looked like he had remembered him.  “Hey,” he said as he sat in a chair across from Brian.  He didn’t trust himself enough to sit by him… to be that close to the other man. 

Brian just looked up at him, and Justin felt his pulse start to race.  _God he’s beautiful,_ he thought.  “Hey.  So…I’m here.”  
  


“Yeah, thanks.  I know that this must be really strange, but I can explain… at least in part,” Justin began suddenly feeling very nervous.  He felt like he was seventeen again, not sure what to say or do.  Uncertainty is not something he had to deal with in a long time.  Section had drilled that out of him, and he was amazed that he could still feel this way.  He watched as Brian leaned back in his chair and just looked at him in cold silence.  He had every right to be mad, upset.  Justin would be too if he was in Brian’s shoes right now.  “If I could’ve told you, Brian… if I could’ve stayed I would have.  I want you to know that.”

“What the fuck is going on, Justin,” Brian said with a raised voice.  Looking around and taking a deep breath, Brian turned his attention back to the man in front of him.  “We all thought you were dead.  I was at your fucking funeral, for Christsake.  Why didn’t you let us know?  And who’s fucking body was it that I saw in that coffin?  Do you have any idea what that did to us?”

Justin closed his eyes hoping to block out the pain he could see reflected in the other man.  Pain and anger were radiating from him, and Justin knew that it was all directed at him.  “I can’t tell you.  I don’t even know it all myself.  All I can say is that if I had a choice, none of this would’ve happened.  I would never have left.  Do you think that I like this anymore than you?  That I’m not hurting?  Well I am, Brian.  Every day for the past 5 years I have dreamed of the day that I would see you again.  I have dreamed of what my life would’ve been like if I wasn’t here.  It isn’t like I was given a choice here.  Things happen and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.”

“What … is … going … on?”

Justin looked Brian in the eye, trying to let the other man know that if he could he would do as he asked.  “I can’t tell you.  I wish to God I could, but I can’t.”

“Justin, Mr. Kinney,” came a voice to the side, which caused Justin to curse himself for not paying attention.

“Nikita,” Justin replied without looking away from the man before him.  “Brian this is my boss, Nikita.  Nikita, Brian Kinney.”

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.  I’ve heard so much about you,” Nikita said as she took a seat beside Brian.  

Another figure appeared behind Nikita, and Justin was shocked, and started to feel slightly betrayed.  “What the fuck?  You lied to me.”

“Justin it’s not what you think,” she said.  Justin caught sight of Brian’s shocked expression as he looked at the newest member of the group.  “I think we all know each other.”

Justin watches as Brian stood and looked at everyone at the table with anger in his eyes.  He could tell that Brian was feeling trapped, and he realized that he wasn’t far behind the older man.  “What the hell is going on here?”

“Brian sit down, and everything will be explained,” the man said as he sat down across from Nikita.  “So how is the campaign going?”

Justin looked at the two men, realizing that they knew each other.  “Want to explain what’s going on,” Justin said to Nikita through clenched teeth.  

“I’d like to know the answer to that too, Sunshine.  How the hell do you know Vance?”

“Vance?  He’s Mr. Jones.. Mick Schtoppel… whatever the hell!”  Justin put his hand to his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the sudden headache that was building behind his eyes.  Justin knew Mick/Mr. Jones/whoever from before they had found out that he was the head of Center.  He had been the one to convince Nikita to betray all of them… to spy on them.  Now he finds out that this _man_ knew Brian.  It was almost too much for Justin.  He needed to know what was going on? Is this why he was brought  into Section in the first place?  “Nikita, please.  Tell me what is going on,” he pleaded with the woman next to him.  He needed to know.

“Let me explain.  Mr. Kinney works for me… I mean he is a partner in Vanguard in Pittsburgh.  We work together.”  Justin nodded, still not understanding what in the hell that had to do with anything.  Why would the head of Center be a partner in an advertising firm in Pittsburgh?  Why Brian’s firm?  “Now, I am also head of the same group so to speak, that Justin and Nikita are a part of.”  Justin didn’t have to look at Brian to know what the other man was feeling.  Brian had sat down when … Mr. Jones/Vance had started to talk.  But Justin knew that Brian would only take so much.  “It’s a long explanation but let us just say that we have a slight problem here.”

“Who the hell are you,” Brian asked.

“Just call me Vance and take it as that.  I can’t really get into anymore than that,” ‘Vance’ had explained.  “To say that you stumbled onto something that you were never to know about, Kinney, would be an understatement.  Justin … Mr. Taylor, works for an organization that needs absolute secrecy.  What you hear here tonight, can never be repeated to anyone.  Not a soul.  Is that understood?”

* * * * * * * * *

Brian looked at Vance and leaned back in his chair once again.  He crossed his arms in front of him, and glared at the man he realized he knew nothing about.  He was feeling like he had just fallen into an episode of the Twilight Zone.  “The only way this will work, is if you agree to never tell a soul anything that has happened these past two days.  If you don’t follow that simple rule, then we’ll have to take the steps necessary,” Nikita told Brian.

“No,” Justin cried out, not caring who heard him.  Lowering his voice to keep others from hearing, Justin looked between Nikita and Vance.  “Don’t even think about it.  I won’t let you do it.”

“Justin you know the rules.  You know the reasons why.  I don’t like it anymore than you do, but I have a lot of other people to think about.” Nikita placed her hand on Justin’s arm, hoping to calm the younger man.

Brian sat there and watched the entire scene before him.  Justin’s reaction shocked him, and gave him insight as to what they would do to him if he didn’t do as they asked.  If they could make Justin disappear, they wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing to Brian.  “Fine,” Brian began, making sure his eyes were directly on Justin.  “Not a word, to anyone.  Now what the fuck is going on here?”

Vance called for one of the waiters and whispered something in his ear.  “Shall we move this to a more secluded setting,” he asked the group.  The waiter led them down a long hallway, and through a door at the end.  Brian stood by Justin as they entered the room, taking note of the young man’s demeanor.  Justin appeared on the outside calm, but Brian could see the slight tightening of his shoulder muscles, and the wild look in his eyes.  He knew that Justin was on the edge… a place that he never thought that he would see Justin at.  Justin looked like a caged animal ready to strike.

Brian sat down in a chair across from Vance and listened as the other man explained what was going on.  Brian listened as Vance explained Section, and their mission, the Center, and Justin’s role in the whole thing.  The entire time, Brian would steal looks over at Justin who stood in the corner of the room, just staring at Vance, not moving a muscle.  He couldn’t believe the story that his ‘partner’ was telling him.  Justin was an anti-terrorist operative, and has been since the day he was believed dead?  Brian had no idea what that entailed but he knew by looking at his former lover that it cost him a lot.  Justin’s eyes didn’t hold the same light that they used to, his smile not as bright… hell he hadn’t seen a smile on the kid’s – no young man’s—face since he had first laid eyes on him.

Brian wondered what they had forced Justin into, and how the hell someone like Justin could get trapped in something like this.  What did he do to deserve this?  He was just a kid – a bright, loving, caring, smart, sexy kid.  Of course what did Justin do to deserve getting bashed?  Love someone, dance with someone, jerk someone off?  So the person that Justin loved was a male… was him, but it didn’t mean that he should’ve had that happen.  Now… now Brian wasn’t sure what to make of the man he had found out he loved that night all those years ago.  The one person that he was ready to let down his guard with. 

Brian knew that there was still something there between them… that the years had not taken away what he felt for the blond.  He still felt the shock, the heat, the lust, for the man that he had back then.  He only wondered if it was more, or if he was holding onto something that he thought he had lost.  What did he feel for Justin?  Brian wasn’t sure, but he knew that he wanted to find out.  He wanted to know what it was he was feeling.  He needed to know if there was a chance for him to be happy for once in his life.  Could it be possible for him to be in love?

He wanted and needed to know.

“Why,” Brian heard Justin ask from his spot by the wall.  “Why me?  Why am I here?”

“Justin,” Nikita warned Justin, and Brian rolled his lips into his mouth.  He didn’t think that in 5 years Justin would take no for an answer.  He didn’t back when Brian knew him, why would he change.  That was on thing that Brian found intriguing about Justin… his ability to see what he wants and fight tooth and nail to get it.  Once Justin set his sights on something there was no turning back for the young man.  _Just look at me.  He wanted me, and ended up getting me – kicking and screaming the whole time._

“No.  For the past 5 fucking years I have done everything that you people have asked of me.  I have done things… things that no one should have to do.  Now you’re telling me that Mr. Jones has known Brian for years… and that… Why,” Justin asked again turning his attention to Nikita.

“It was Madeline, not us,” Vance informed Justin, and Brian could see the heated gaze pointed toward the man he knew as his partner.  

Brian watched as Justin moved closer to Vance, pulled out a gun and pointed it at Vance’s head.  “Well I can’t very well ask her now can I?  Since you had her fucking cancelled.  How the HELL do you expect me to ask her now?  How about I fucking send you to hell right next to her and you can ask her for me?”

Brian and Nikita both were out of their chairs and standing next to Justin.  “Justin put the gun down.  All this is doing is making things worse for you.  Don’t make me do it, Justin.  Please,” Nikita begged the young man.  

Brian however, placed a hand gently on Justin’s arm, moving closer to him.  “Justin,” he quietly whispered in Justin’s ear.  “Come on, this isn’t doing any good right now.”  Brian was scared, frightened.  He had never thought he’d see the day that Justin would have a gun and point it at someone.  Brian knew that Justin would kill Vance, just by the look in the man’s eyes.  Justin – the man he knew – was no longer there, and Brian knew he had to try and get that man back.  “As much as I would like to see Vance hurt, killing him isn’t the answer.  Let’s just get out of here.  Put the gun down, and come with me.”  Brian saw that his words were having an effect on Justin upon seeing the young man’s hand start to lower.  He looked over at Nikita and dared her to deny him what he was about to say.  “They won’t do anything to me, to us.  Come on… let’s just get the hell out of here.”

Brian saw that Justin was wavering, but the young man still refused to let it go completely.  Deciding that he would have to take things to the next level, to get through to Justin, Brian leaned in closer to the other man and placed his lips close to his ear.  “Let’s get out of here.  It’s been too long, and I want to fuck you.  Fuck you all…night… long.”  Brian saw a small smile play on the man’s lips and he knew that he got him, he’s won.  “Going somewhere?”

Justin turned his head slightly, smile growing with as the memories began to surface.  Brian knew that Justin remembered that night so long ago.  “No place special.”

Brian reached over to the hand holding the gun and lowered it to the ground.  “I can change that.  Let’s get the fuck out of here.”  Brian led Justin out of the room, and out of the restaurant.  Following Justin toward the young man’s car, Brian tried not to think about the events of the past two days.  When he had been told he would be coming to Paris, he never thought that his life would be turned upside down – that everything that he had believed in would be blown out of the water.  Touching Justin again, Brian felt the sudden need within him to have the man again.  Being without him for the past 5 years has left Brian in a dark hole.  Brian almost couldn’t believe that Justin was there, it was all like a dream.  _If this is a dream don’t let me wake up._   

The two got in the car, and Justin started to pull out of the space.  “Where is your hotel?”

Brian turned slightly to the side so he could look at Justin.  “I’m staying at the  Hotel Le Warwick.  Why,” he asked slyly.

“We’re getting your stuff, and you’re checking out.  I don’t trust them NOT to do anything, and I think it would be safer if you stayed with me for a while.  At least until I can decide what they are going to do,” Justin told him as the car moved through traffic.

“I don’t think they’ll do anything, Justin,” Brian said wondering briefly about the world that he had stepped into.  “You don’t honestly think that they’ll try anything do you?”

“You don’t know them, Brian.  They could do just about anything they want.”  Brian watched as Justin turned to face him.  The look in Justin’s eyes caused his breath to catch in his throat.  Justin was serious.  “I’m not going to let them lay a finger on you.”  The two rode the rest of the way to the hotel in silence, as Brian tried to make sense out of everything.  He didn’t know what to make if it.  How the hell would he explain this to anyone, not that he could since he gave his word that he wouldn’t.  If keeping silent meant that he could see Justin again, he’d do it.  Once they reached the hotel, Justin stepped out of the car with Brian close behind him.  “We should hurry.”

Brian placed his hand on Justin’s arm halting the man’s forward movement.  “Justin.”  When Justin turned around, Brian moved closer to him and placed his hand on the side of Justin’s face, running his thumb over the delicate flesh.  Looking into Justin’s eyes, Brian leaned in and lightly placed his lips over Justin’s.  Feeling Justin’s arms go around his neck, both men deepened the kiss, slipping their tongues into the other’s mouth.  Pulling back slightly, trying to catch his breath, Brian leaned his forehead against Justin’s.  “It’s really you.  I thought you were dead, I didn’t want to believe it was you.  But it is.  You’re really here.”

Justin leaned in again and kissed Brian on the mouth, allowing the passion to build.  “It’s really me.  God,” Justin breathed against Brian’s lips.  “We better get your stuff and get out of here.  Before I rip your clothes off right here.”

“And that’s a bad idea?”

“Come on.  The sooner we get out of here the sooner we can get back to my place.”  Brian followed behind Justin as the two men made their way up to Brian’s room.  All Brian could think of was taking Justin right there on the bed, but Justin had been distracted the moment they had stepped foot into the hotel, so Brian quickly started to pack up his things.  “Walter… no…. no,” Brian heard Justin say into his cell phone.  “Listen, just meet me.  I need to talk to you… Yes. … it’s important.  Please…. Okay, thanks Walter…. Yeah I’m heading home in a minute or so… Yeah.  See ya then.”

“Guess the fucking will have to wait,” Brian said as he pulled out his suits from the closet.

Brian felt Justin come up behind him and wrap his arms around his waist.  “Just for a little while.  Walter just wanted to talk after this ‘meeting’.  He’s a good friend.”

Brian felt a sudden wave of jealousy rise within in, and he tried to keep his voice calm.  “Friend huh?  Fuck ‘im?”

Justin laughed out loud, and stood there still holding Brian, allowing the other man to calm a little.  “Please he’s over 60.  I like older men, but that’s too much.  Plus he’s like a grandfather to me… that’d be like incest.”

Brian laughed slightly, the relief seeping into him.  “Good, cause tonight,” he began turning around so that he could wrap his arms around Justin.  “Tonight, you’re all mine.”

“Tonight… tomorrow… and how ever long you’re in Paris.  That is if you’re not busy with work… or I’m not busy with work that is,” Justin said to him.  Brian took quick note of the sadness in Justin’s eyes during the last part, and Brian decided that he would make Justin forget all about his troubles… if only for a short time.

* * * * * * * * *

Walter was waiting for them as they arrived at Justin’s apartment.  “I’m going to take a shower, okay,” Brian asked the young man after placing his bags down beside the door.

“It’s up the stairs and on the other side of the bed,” Justin informed him, lightly kissing Brian on the lips.  Once Brian was gone, he turned his attention to his friend.  “Don’t start,” he said once he caught sight of the look Walter was giving him.

“Not bad kid.  If I weren’t straight…”

“Shut up,” Justin laughed then moved to the kitchen to pull out two beers.  Sitting down on one of the bar stools, he handed one to Walter, and stared at the wall across from him.  “Did you know?”

Thankfully, Walter didn’t pretend not to know what he was talking about, and answered him honestly.  “I had an idea, but no proof.  It was just too much of a coincidence.  Nikita is believed dead… Michael’s in a rut, then you show up.  I knew that you were ‘planned’ to be the next Michael, but I didn’t know why, only what I thought.”

“What?  All they told me was that it was Madeline.  It was her idea.  It seems like no one else knew about it until it was too late, and I was there.  But why?”

Walter came up to Justin and sat down next to him.  “Listen, Justin.  Even if it was Madeline’s idea and her idea alone… what difference would it make now?  You can’t do anything to chance it.  I wish to god you could, but it’s too late now.”  Justin could only nod in response.  “What’s really bothering you?  I know it’s not that… so what is it?”

Justin took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  “I think Nikita knew the whole time…and I think she knows everything.  Things that I have been looking for the past 5 years.  She knew.  She listened to me, talked with me about it…and she knew.  All along she knew.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“You’re right I don’t.  That makes it worse,” Justin added.  Both men heard the shower turn off and Justin watched as Walter stood.  “Thanks.”

“Look, I’ll see if Jason can dig something up.  Who knows.  If you really want the answers, I’ll help you.  But know… you may not like the answers you find.  And there’s nothing you can do to change it now,” Walter said placing a hand on Justin’s shoulder.

“I know.  But I have to know, Walter.  I have to.”

“Then we’ll see what we can do.”

“Thanks.”

Walter walked over to the door and watched as Brian made his way down the stairs wearing only a towel across his hips.  “Watch it kiddo… you picked a good one there,” he said with a wink.  “Nice to finally meet you Brian.  Well what I’ve seen anyway.”

Justin laughed and pushed Walter toward the door.  “Get out.”  Justin turned around just in time to see Brian step up behind him.  He could feel the older man’s breath on his face, and the heat that radiated from his body.  “I think he likes you.”

“What’s not to like,” Brian said as he inched closer to Justin, pressing Justin against the door.

“Oh I don’t know.  I’m sure someone could come up with something.”  Justin reached up his hand so he could trace the contours of Brian’s face.  

“So…”

Justin laughed, and wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist.  “So… You gonna fuck me now?”  Brian answered by pressing closer to his body, and leaning down and taking Justin’s lips onto his own.  There was no ease in the kiss, it was hard, passionate, full of need – need which had been denied for the last 5 years.  Justin’s hands immediately went straight for the towel covering Brian, releasing the knot and letting it fall to the ground.  Brian meanwhile, reached up to Justin’s shirt, ripping it open.  Justin closed his eyes as he felt Brian’s lips leave his and moaned in pleasure as they began to move down his body. 

Brian’s tongue traced a path from Justin’s neck down to his nipples, wrapping the small ring into his tongue and pulling on it.  Justin felt Brian’s hands on his belt, pulling it open and lowering the zipper.  Once Justin’s pants were pulled down he pulled Brian up to kiss him, and quickly stepped out of them.  Wrapping his legs around Brian’s lean waist, Justin traced the inside of Brian’s mouth with his tongue.  “Fuck me, Brian,” he moaned pulling away slightly to catch his breath.  Brian carried him over to the couch and threw him down, falling on top.  Justin saw the condom in Brian’s hand, as he felt the other man’s fingers trace along his crack, diving in and stretching him.  

_ God, it’s been too long, _ Justin thought.  Even though he had been with people during the last 5 years, he had never allowed anyone to enter him.  He couldn’t do that.  The only person he ever wanted was Brian, and now all of his dreams and fantasies could come true.  The man he loved… still loved was there, and Justin was going to make the most of their time together.  Justin cried out as Brian entered him in one solid movement, pushing himself in to the hilt.  Justin grabs a handful of hair and pulls Brian down toward him mouth, trying to be as close to the man as possible.  Once Brian gets the signal from Justin, he starts to move in and out of Justin’s tight hole.

“Brian,” Justin moaned, opening his eyes to stare at his lover.  _My lover.  God I never thought I would be able to call him that again._   “Harder,” he breathed against Brian’s ear.  Justin needed more, he wanted to have Brian just come up inside him and stay there forever.  Nothing mattered when they were together like this… nothing.  Brian pulled out completely, and before Justin could protest, he placed Justin’s legs on his shoulders and dove back in.  Pounding into Justin, both men lost all sense of their surroundings, losing themselves in each other – finding what they had lost in themselves five long years ago.  

Justin cried out as he shot his load between their bodies, feeling Brian continue to pound into him as he squeezed Brian, pulling him further into him.  Brian came with a shout, and collapsed on top of Justin.  Justin began to lightly run his hands up and down Brian’s back, trying to catch his breath, but not quite ready to lose the connection with his lover.  “Don’t ever leave,” Justin heard Brian breathe against his neck.

“I won’t.  I’m not going anywhere.”  Justin held onto Brian as exhaustion began to take over, and they both began to drift off to sleep still in each other’s arms. 

* * * * * * * * *

Justin woke to the feeling the heat begin to build deep within him as he opened his eyes to see Brian kissing and licking his way down Justin’s chest.  “Brian,” Justin whispered as he felt Brian’s hands moved across his chest, and watched as Brian reached Justin’s rapidly growing cock.  “Oh god, Brian,” he said as he reached down to run his fingers through Brian’s hair.  It’s been a long time since Justin had felt this way.  Too long.  Justin brought his lower lip into his mouth to keep from crying out when he saw and felt Brian take him into his mouth, deep throating his member.  Closing his eyes, he let the feelings run through him… enveloping him in warmth and love.  Once Brian’s fingers entered him, and started to move in and out, Justin let go, shooting his load down Brian’s throat.  

Brian moved back up Justin’s body, crushing his lips against the younger man’s.  “Still taste good,” he said with a smile.

“Ass hole.  Get up,” Justin said as he pushed Brian off of him.  

“Where do you think you’re going,” Brian said as he pulled on Justin’s arm, halting the man’s movement.

Justin leaned in and kissed him on the lips.  “To get some food.  I’m hungry. It’s not like we really got to eat last night.”

Brian let go of his arm and fell back down on the bed.  He couldn’t remember how the hell they got there last night, but knew that they had at least made a small dent in their lost time.  “It’s good to see that some things haven’t changed,” he said as he propped himself up to watch as Justin moved down the steps and began to pull food out of the refrigerator.  “So…”

Justin came back to bed with a tray of coffee and croissants, and sat down next to Brian.  “Soooo, what?’

Brian took a cup of coffee and took a deep breath.  “So,” he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  “What now?”

Justin set his cup down on the tray, and looked across the room.  “Brian,” he said exasperated.  “It’s not that simple.  I mean no one knows I’m alive, and they can’t know.  You can’t stay here, and even if you did, you’ll be put right in the line of fire, so to speak.  I can’t ask that of you.  So much time has passed that I can’t say for sure what anything is anymore.  I don’t know anything anymore.  I never thought I’d see you again.  I just… I don’t know.”  Justin turned so that he could look Brian in the eye.  “I don’t know.  My life isn’t really made for relationships.  I mean,” he started taking a deep breath to calm himself.  “I go out almost every couple of days on a mission.  Who knows if I’ll come back.  I get asked… sorry ordered to fuck people… it’s not really the type of relationship that I would ask upon my worst enemy.  I couldn’t ask that of anyone.”

Brian sat up and looked over at Justin.  “So?  Justin,” Brian began placing a hand on the younger man’s shoulder.  “For five years I thought you were dead.  I thought I … I thought I lost you right when I was finally … finally ready.  You have no fucking idea what we went through.”

“I do, Brian.  I do know.” Justin moved away from Brian and stood up to stand by the stairs leading down toward the rest of the apartment.  “I saw everything.  It was the only way I could feel… I had to keep track of everyone, make sure that you guys were alright.  I don’t know why I did.  I saw Michael and Ben, Emmett and Ted’s failed attempt at a relationship.  You winning you’re millionth award,” he said with a small smile.  “I watched as Molly went on her first date.  Deb and Carl’s wedding, Lindsey and Mel’s wedding.  I watched it all.  Do you know how much I wanted to be a part of that?  How much I wanted to just run away from this and be a part of your lives?  It hasn’t been easy for me either Brian.”

Brian walked over to where Justin was and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling the young man toward him.  Justin didn’t pay much attention to Brian, just took comfort in the man and continued to try and explain what he went through.  “I always made sure that everyone was taken care of, as much as I could anyway.  It’s not what I really wanted, but it was something.  I paid off Deb’s mortgage, although she doesn’t know it yet.  She’ll find out something is up when she gets the check of all the money she’s put into it the past couple of years back,” he laughed slightly.  “Molly, mom, Gus… everyone.  I have tried to give everyone something.  Money mostly, in secret accounts that no one knows about.  It isn’t much, but it’s what I can do.  But it was never enough for me.  Never,” Justin said as he turned around in Brian’s arms.

“All I ever wanted, all that’s kept me alive these past five years Brian was you.  Knowing that you’re doing well, that you are being taken care of, and that you’ve been loved.  That’s what’s kept me going.  Wishing, hoping that one day I would see you again in heaven, in hell, wherever we would end up in the afterlife.  That’s all that I ever wanted.”  Justin closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Brian, holding onto the older man tightly.  “I feel that this is a dream.  That I’m in some place, and they are filling my head with these images hoping to get some information out of me.  Giving me what I wanted most in the world.  If this is a dream I don’t want it to be over.”

“It doesn’t have to be, Justin.  And I can tell you if this is a dream, then I’m living it too.  I’m not going to give this up.  I don’t know if I can,” Brian said as he held Justin near.  “Not that I’m promising anything, cause I’m not.  But I’m not sure if I can live without you being a part of mine.  Not anymore.  These years have been hell.”

Justin laughed slightly against Brian’s chest.  “You can say that again.”

“So we’ll just take things as they come,” Brian said pulling away from Justin so he could look at the man.   “What,” Brian asked when Justin turned his head away from him.  Brian put his hand under Justin’s chin and forced the younger man to look at him.  “What?”

“It’s not that simple, Brian,” Justin sighed pulling away from his lover.  He had to get away from Brian, he had to try and make Brian understand.  “You have no idea what I do here, what I’ve become.  I’m not some young kid who doesn’t know shit anymore.  How can you stand there and say that we’ll take things as they come, when who knows if I will be here tomorrow.  Who knows what will happen if one of the groups that I fight against comes after you?  What then,” Justin explained, as each sentence rose in volume.  “Do you have ANY idea what it is I really do?  If you did, you wouldn’t be standing here now.  If you know what’s good for you, Brian you’d walk out that door and never look back.  Forget you ever saw me.  We can’t get back what was taken from us, what might have been.  It’s over.”

Brian took a step closer to Justin, watching as the young man started to hide.  He could see Justin’s eyes start to harden – hiding away his feelings, his thoughts – much like Brian himself usually does.  He didn’t like seeing it in Justin, didn’t like that Justin felt the need to hide his feelings.  That wasn’t the Justin he knew.  “Yeah, well, we don’t always get what we want, Sunshine.”

Justin’s eyes flashed with anger, then once again turned neutral.  “Brian, you don’t understand.  This can never work.  You know that.  To the outside world I’m dead!  How can…”  Justin’s words were cut off as Brian pulled the young man into his arms and kissed him, hard.  Justin let his body go, and reached up to run his fingers through Brian’s hair.  Neither man could get enough of the other.  Justin pulled away slightly and sighed.  “You’re not making this easy you know,” he breathed against Brian’s lips.

Brian smiled and brought their lips together again, plunging his tongue into Justin’s mouth.  “Since when is it ever easy?”

Leaning into Brian, Justin shook his head in disbelief.  “You’re an asshole you know that right?  God!  Listen, okay,” Justin began pulling back far enough so he could look Brian in the eye.  “I have to go in for a couple of hours.  Stay here… and … and we’ll talk when I get back.  Okay?”

Brian nodded and watched as Justin moved away and into the bathroom.  As much as he wanted to follow the young man, he knew that they both needed to think.  He had no idea where to go from this moment, what to do, or how he felt.  All Brian knew was that for the first time in five years he had actually felt good.  Justin was the first one in a long time that actually made him want more.  All of this sexual encounters these past couple of years had been unfulfilling, but with Justin, Brian had been more than satisfied.  What would he do now, however, was on the top of his list of things to figure out.  All Brian knew was that he wasn’t ready to give up what the two had – whether it was sex, or more – Brian didn’t want to lose it.  

When Justin walked out of the bathroom, Brian could only sit on the bed and watch as his young lover moved about the room getting ready to ‘save the world’.  _Fuck, this is strange.  Justin really is going out to save the world… he’s really fighting the ‘evil forces’.  It’s hard to believe that the same kid whom I had held close to me after his father kicked him out, is the man in front of me._ Justin stood in front of Brian, and leaned in to kiss him lightly on the lips.  “Don’t think too much, Bri.  We’ll work something out.”

“Time will tell, Sunshine.  There’s no guarantee that we can,” Brian said trying to squelch the fear that had suddenly risen within him.  He couldn’t say what was going on… but all he knew was that Justin was leaving him again.  Justin was going to walk out that door, and Brian wasn’t sure if the young man would return. 

Justin sat down on the bed beside Brian, and reached out to grab a hold of the older man’s hand.  “Bri.  There are never guarantees in life.  All we can do is live day by day and hope for the best.  But I’ll be back in a couple of hours, I promise.  I just have some admin stuff to do, and then I’ll be back.  We’ll talk about all of this stuff later, ‘k?”

Brian nodded and took a deep breath.  “I know,” he smiled as he leaned in to kiss Justin.  

Justin stood and headed toward the small nightstand beside the bed.  Opening up the drawer he pulled something out of it and walked back to Brian.  “Do you know how to use this,” he asked Brian holding out a gun.  “I don’t think you’ll need to use it, really, but I don’t want to take any chances right now until I can find out for sure what’s going to happen,” he quickly explained.  Brian took a hold of the gun and nodded.  Justin felt bad for even handing Brian the gun, and for bringing the man he loved into this… but things just weren’t meant to work out that way.  His life was no longer easy.  “Come on… lock the door after I leave,” Justin told him as he took Brian’s hand and lead the two of them down the stairs to the door.  “If anyone knocks, just press this button to access the camera outside the door, okay?  And ahhhh, I’ll be home as quickly as possible.”

Brian could tell that Justin was having a hard time leaving, so he took matters into his own hands and placed his hand on the back of Justin’s neck.  Pulling the younger man toward him, he lightly kissed Justin on the lips.  “Go… I’ll be fine, mom.”

Justin pulled away and laughed slightly.  Opening the door he quickly turned back to Brian and smiled.  “Later,” he said then closed the door and left.

Brian felt a sudden fear gripping within him… he felt as if he couldn’t breath.  

        _‘Later.’_

_         ‘Later.’ _

_         ‘Justin!…. nononononononono… God!’ _

__

Brian shook his head clearing all thoughts of that night from his mind.  The last thing he needed right now was to have to deal with that.  He felt his legs start to give out, as the images flooded through his mind.  Sitting down he began to take deep breathes hoping that he can calm himself enough to head up the stairs so he can shower and change.  

* * * * * * * * *

After his shower, Brian walked back toward the kitchen to try and get something to eat.  He hadn’t been able to eat since he had found out that Justin was alive a couple of days before, and the night before was impossible.  Seeing Justin again, having him close was almost too much for Brian to bear.  Then finding out that his partner knew all along that Justin was alive.  Once he had gotten something to eat, he had heard a knock at the door.  Standing, he pressed the button, and shook his head taking note at who was behind the door.  “Well, well.  How did I know that you would eventually show up,” Brian said opening the door and letting the man in.

Vance, or Mick as he had said he goes by here, stepped into the apartment and made his way over to the living room.  “Yes, well… don’t really have much of a choice now do I?  Things have – to say the least – have become on giant mess, and we have to figure out what exactly is going to happen from here.”

Brian looked at the other man, who made himself right at home, and shook his head.  It irritated him that he evidently knew where everything was, as he watched Vance open a cabinet and pour himself a glass of wine.  “So… what the fuck do you have to say to me,” Brian asked as he walked over to the same area and poured himself a large portion of JB.  He wanted Vance gone, and he wanted to show the other man that HE was what Justin wanted and needed.  That HE was the one who should know where everything is.  That’s the way it was supposed to be.  “So how long have you known Justin?”

* * * * * * * * *

FLASHBACK

SEPTEMBER 2002

PARIS , FRANCE

Justin walked into the building and headed straight for his apartment.  All he wanted to do was go inside, take a nice long shower and forget that his life within Section even existed.  The last mission was tough, and he wasn’t sure just how much more of this he could take.  He had been out of training and finally out of the barren halls of Section for two months now, and already he hated it.  At least in Section he had no hope of every being able to see or dream about his life before… now that his training was over, all he had was time.  The sketches and paintings he’s done proved to him that no matter what he would never be rid of Brian.  The man was always in his thoughts and in his heart.  

He spotted Nikita as she made her way toward his door, and he smiled.  The two of them had become friends during the time of his training, and now that they lived in the same building, they had spent quite a bit of time off-duty just hanging out.  Neither one had much in the way of friends outside of Section, and their mutual love of Art brought them closer.  Justin was grateful that he had her to talk to.  “Hey,” she said as she walked up to him.  As Justin opened the door the two walked in.  “I was wondering if you had anymore of the paint I used the other day.  I tried to find that little shop you told me about, but…”

Justin started to walk into the kitchen and pulled out a beer.  “Yeah, I should.  I’ll bring it up in a couple of minutes.  Let me get cleaned up first, and I’ll be right up.”  After Nikita left, Justin showered and changed, hoping to erase all traces of the mission from his mind and body.  He hated Valentine Operations… especially when he was ordered to break up a marriage.  It’s bad enough that he had to sleep with a woman, which goes against everything his heart tells him is right and wrong, but to be ordered to break up a marriage… destroy someone’s life in more ways than one – Justin despised every aspect of it.  Knowing that they had a child… a child Gus’ age, was almost more than Justin could handle.  But he followed through with it – the mission was complete.

Silently he was grateful that he had slept with Daphne years ago.  Granted with the training that Madeline had given him… Justin wasn’t afraid really of Not being able to perform.  But it still tore him apart every time he was asked to do it.  He felt like he was betraying who he was… what Brian had wanted him to be.  Sleeping with men and women that he had no interest in, had made Justin violently ill on many occasions.  He knew why Madeline had made him a Valentine Op, but it still didn’t make him feel any better.  Yes he knew he had the looks, and that he could ‘perform’ when asked… but all Justin wanted was to be with one person.  Unfortunately that one person believed he was dead.

Picking up the stuff that Nikita wanted, he headed out of his apartment and up the stairs.  “Hey, is this enough,” he asked as he walked into the room.  Justin spotted a balding man standing in the middle of Nikita’s living room.  “Want me to come back,” he asked not moving from his spot by the door.

“No, no.  Justin this is Mick.  Mick, Justin,” Nikita introduced the men.  Mick walked up to Justin with his hand held out, but Justin only looked at it, refusing to take it.  “Mick is one of our… what would you say, snitches.”

“Now, darling…you make it sound like I’m one of the bad guys.  I like to think of myself as a business man,” the man said with a slight English accent.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Justin.  Nikita has told me a great deal about you.”

Justin just smiled slightly at the other man.  Not wanting to give anything away.  If he had learned one thing in his time at Section it was to never trust anyone.  Everything is a test.  “Yeah,” Justin said.  Turning to Nikita he handed a small box to her.  “I hope that it’s enough.  It’s all I can spare.”

Nikita took the box and smiled.  “It should be.  I’ll get you some more just as soon as I can,” she said, placing the box down on the counter.  “Want anything to drink?”

“Nah,” he began.  “I think I’m just going to relax tonight.  Paint a little, draw a little… just relax, you know.”

“You’re an artist,” Mick asked him.

Justin turned to the other man in the apartment, and sighed.  Figuring that he might as well try and be nice, he nodded.  “I try to be.  Not that I’ll ever be famous at it or anything, but it keeps me out of trouble.”

The three laughed slightly all knowing the reason why he couldn’t be famous.  “I’d love to see your work sometime.  I’m what you would call an art collector myself.  Can’t say I can do anything in the way of actual creativity… but I love the arts.”

* * * * * * * * *

Vance moved to sit down on the couch with the drink in his hand, and looked up at Brian.  “I knew about Justin from the moment he was brought in… however I didn’t get to really know him until after he had moved out here.  In fact I have a small little apartment myself in this same building.  He is a little spitfire isn’t he?  I can see why you’re so hooked on him.  He’s smart, sexy, and an excellent operative.”

“You talk about him like he’s a fucking piece of meat,” Brian said disgustedly as he moved to sit across from his ‘partner’.  

“In this line of work, unfortunately there isn’t much else.  The type of people that are **normally** , mind you, brought into the Sections are… well let us just say that they are not model citizens.  They don’t really care about anything or anyone… most of them are… criminals.”  Brian looked at Vance when he had said that with an evil look in his eye.  “Now that’s not saying that Justin is one, because frankly he’s not.  From what I was told, Madeline – who was second in command at the time he was brought in – was looking for a ‘replacement’ for another operative named Michael.  Know that my office did not approve her actions.  We did not even know about it until after he had already been brought in and had awakened from his coma.  So by the time I knew of this… it was already too late.  The outside world had already believed he was dead.”

Brian sat back in his chair and listened as Vance told him all the things that he was sure that Justin, himself, didn’t know.  “Now why **he** was chosen…only Madeline knew that.  And unfortunately she’s no longer with us.  However, I can tell you that you do not have to worry about anything happening to you.  As a ‘favor’, of sorts, to Justin, we have decided to let this slide.  His record is beyond exceptional… he’s always followed the rules, he is what Section needs.”

“So this is where you tell me to go home and forget that I ever saw him right,” Brian said getting pissed at the laid back attitude of his ‘partner’.  

“As I have said, nothing will happen to you.  However, you do have a choice to make.  Listen carefully, and you don’t have to decide right now.  I want you to seriously think about this.”  Vance leaned forward so that his arms rested on his knees.  Looking Brian in the eye, Vance began to tell him what his choices are.  “You can either, as you said, leave, and forget that any of this ever happened… and we could … well we could help you with that.”

“What, brainwashing,” Brian replied with a laugh.  He however saw the serious look on Vance’s face and knew that they very well could do just that.  “You’re not serious.”

“I’m deadly serious.  You have no idea the risks that we take every day in order to ensure the safety of the world.  We have to take risks, and we have to maintain secrecy.  We cannot have our enemies know where we are, or who our operatives are.  We have had instances where they had found out and we lost a great many people.  I will not be responsible for that, and I know that Justin would not want to feel like he’s responsible for the death of thousands,” Vance explained.  

Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  He knew Justin well enough to know that if something did happen, he would feel responsible, and blame himself.  Brian didn’t want to cause the young man any more pain.  “And the other option.”

Vance took a sip of his wine, and set it down on the table in front of him.  “The other option is that you come work for me at the Center.  You will still have to maintain your ‘work’ at Vanguard, act like nothing has changed, but you will essence be doing work for the Center.  You will be allowed to come here and oversee Section as a liaison between Section One and myself.  If that works out you may work with some of the other Sections, but we would have to see first if you can handle it.”

Brian sat back and thought about what Vance was offering him.  He could either leave Justin for good, forget about him… or he could join them.  Brian knew that the first option was NOT something he was willing to do.  But was he able to work for this secret agency?  Could he in essence put those he cared about most in the world in the danger like that?  Brian wasn’t naive enough to NOT know that if he said yes to Vance, there would be a target placed on his back, and in effect placing his ‘family’ in danger.  “Don’t answer me now… think about it.  Here’s my cell phone number,” Vance said standing and handing Brian a small business card.  “Call me once you decide.”

Brian could only nod as Vance turned and walked out of the apartment.

* * * * * * * * *

Justin walked into Section and made his way from Van Access to his office.  All he wanted to do was get the Sims done, and finish the rest of his work so that he could get back to Brian.  He silently hoped that nothing would happen with the Collective until after Brian had left.  As much as Justin wanted Brian here, he also knew that the man had no idea what it was he really did.  Justin was sure that Brian had this idea that all Justin did was something out of a James Bond movie… quick, easy… nothing like what they do on a daily basis.  

Currently there were three missions out, and four more pending for the next couple of days, and Justin wanted to make sure that they would be prepared.  He made a quick stop by comms and waited until he had Jason’s attention.  As much as Justin liked Jason, he missed the man’s twin even more.  Birkoff was something else.  Justin had found another who had shared some of his same passions… someone he could just hang out with, and play video games.  Someone that he found that he could actually love within these walls.  Although nothing had ever happened between the two, Justin felt that in time something could’ve come out of their friendship… something more.  But it was just another thing that he would never know in his life… since the other man had sacrificed himself in order to save them all.  

Jason was more… was more open than Brikoff was.  He was a total opposite from his brother, that Justin often wished for something… someone else.  He wanted his friend back, but he was willing to give Jason a chance.  It was the least he could do for his friend.  “Do we have the latest intel on the missions coming up,” he asked Jason.

“Yeah,” Jason said as he reached across his computer and pulled out a small chip.  “The Collective is moving throughout section 23, so we’re keeping an eye on it.  Who knows what will happen with that.”

“What about P.J.K?  Have we got any more on their movements,” Justin asked as he held the small chip in his hand.

Jason shook his head, “nah, nothing.  Quinn’s working on that though.  So we should know something soon.”

Justin nodded then turned to walk to his office.  He’d look over the information and research the area.  One thing that he had learned from Michael was to always make sure that you had at least five escape routes… even those that are NOT in the sims.  You never know when Section would have their intel leaked to the enemy, and it was always safer to have the area mapped out completely before you began any mission.  Justin had made sure he learned that lesson, and had almost always got his people out of all the area, no matter what.  He never liked losing members of his team, and with every death on his watch, they took a part of him with them.  They may come back for the most part injured, but he always tried to get them back alive.

After an hour of going over the intel, there was a knock at his door.  He looked up and saw Nikita step inside, and closed the door behind her.  Justin reached across to the side of his desk and activated the communication blocker there, effectively not allowing anyone to hear what was being said or see what was going on in there.  Michael had placed the device there and Justin had reactivated it when he took over.  “Operations,” Justin said using Nikita’s official title.  “What can I do for you,” he asked leaning back in his chair and folding his hands across his chest.

Nikita moved to sit down in the chair across from Justin and smiled at him slightly.  “How are things,” she asked.

“Fine.”

“Brian…”

“He’s fine,” Justin said.  “Don’t… Don’t think about it.  You owe me this Nikita.  Section owes me this,” he informed her looking her directly in the eye.

Nikita held up her hands, and sighed.  “Nothing’s going to happen to Brian.  He’s under protection… on the ‘A’ List.  You have nothing to worry about.”  Justin nodded slightly, not really sure if he should believe the woman.  Although they had become great friends – he felt betrayed when she had turned out to be a spy from the Center.  When she had come and tore the place upside down.  Justin wasn’t sure that he could ever fully forgive her for that.  He had been trying… he really had, but it wasn’t easy.  They had slowly begun work at repairing their friendship, and he wasn’t sure how this new development would affect it.  

However, he also knew Nikita enough to know that she didn’t come into his office to ask about Brian.  There was something else on the woman’s mind, if her body language was any indication of that.  “What,” he asked wanting to get whatever news she had done and over with so he could get his work done and back to Brian.

Nikita sat in the chair and reached into her pocket to pull out a PDA.  Handing it over to Justin she closed her eyes, gathering strength.  “Michael and I have been talking… debating really, about a new Material that was brought in.  Who would train him?  I want you to know that YOU are the only one who can train him.  I know that it won’t be easy on you… I can understand if you don’t want to do it… but you’re the only one who might be able to do it.  Who might be able to help him reach his potential.”

Justin looked down at the PDA and began to scroll through the information.  As soon as the picture and name appeared he froze.  “No,” he said throwing the PDA on the desk and stood.  “No, you can’t ask me to do this… is this because of Brian.  My punishment for letting him know?  Dammit Nikita, you can’t do this.  Why him?  Why me,” he yelled as he walked over to the window and looked out.  He couldn’t believe it.  How could they ask him to do this?  How could they bring that asshole here?

Justin felt Nikita behind him as her hands began to lightly rub his shoulders.  “I tried to think of another way… but …The car that he hit that killed his girlfriend was one of ours.  We had no other choice but to bring him in.  I know that this can’t be easy on you,” she began.

“You have no idea what this does to me,” Justin said interrupting her.

“And I tried to think of another way, but we had to do this… we had to bring him in,” she continued as if he hadn’t said a thing.  “Justin.  You’re the only one who can train him.  The only one with the experience, and knowledge to make him an operative.  We need all the people we can get right now, and we had tried to think of someone else… we did.  But you’re the only one.  I’m sorry.”

“How can you ask me to do this?”

“I am asking.  I need you to do this Justin.  I’m asking you to do this.  Please.  Michael and I will be there to help you whenever you need it.  So will Walter.  Please.  If this wasn’t important, if we didn’t need the people, I wouldn’t ask.  But the Collective is getting stronger, we’re losing the war.  Without the bodies, we **will** lose.  I can’t let that happen.”  Nikita turned Justin so that he could look her in the eye.  “Will you do this?”

Justin closed his eyes and tried to calm himself.  “You swear that I will have you, Michael, and Walter to back me up.”  Nikita nodded, and Justin took a deep breath and agreed.  _Why does it feel like I just sold my soul to Section… what’s left of it anyway.  Why do I feel so lost?_   Nikita pulled him into a hug, and lightly kissed him on the forehead – thanking him.  Once she left his office, Justin went back to his desk and sat down.  Pulling the PDA back out, he closed his eyes, closing off the part of him that cared – wanting to become the cold-hearted Operative that he had perfected at times.  He needed to keep a level head during the next couple of years, he needed to do what was best – for himself and for Section.  He had to forget that this person… his new material had caused him so much pain.  He had to forget the past, and look toward the future.  Maybe he could change his man.  Maybe he could help this man make something of his life.  He could do some good, where all he had before was evil and suffering.  Justin was going to make him into something that he could be proud of.  

He opened his eyes, and began to look over the bio of his new recruit.  It was strange seeing what he knew had happened in his own life, printed in another’s bio.  It was time to meet his new Material, and greet him.  Welcome the other man into his new life… and hopefully come out of it without remembering… without remembering how much he hated the other man.  Without remember how much of Justin’s own life was destroyed by this man all those years ago.  Laying the PDA on his desk he pulled out a gun from his desk, and made sure the safety was on.  The last thing he wanted to do was actually kill the man… no Justin had other plans for his new material.  He would make the other man succeed.  He would force the other man to respect him, to train under him.  

Christopher Mark Hobbs would be an operative, no matter what Justin had to do.

* * * * * * * * *

Justin walked down the halls leading back toward the holding cell, and stopped so he could look in on his new ‘Material’ through the glass high above the room.  This was the first time that he had seen the man who had made his Senior year a living hell, who had ‘killed’ him.  _What will he think when he sees me?  Thinking that I’m dead, that he had rid the world of this little faggot._   He had no idea how he would get through the next couple of years.  How could he really make Hobbs into an Operative, when all he wanted to do was run and hide, or kill the man where he stood.  Justin was conflicted – his mind and heart telling him two different things.  It had been years since he had last had a panic attack, Section had driven that trait out of him.  But what would actually facing Hobbs again do to him?  Would be want to run?  Flinch away from the man like a scared little faggot?  

Or would Justin pull out the gun that he had buried in the back of his pants and shoot the fucker where he stood?

“You okay, Kiddo,” a voice to Justin’s left said.  Justin knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide from Walter.  The older man was the only one who he had really talked about this with.  Well him and Birkoff, but Birkoff was dead, so all Justin had was Walter.  “So that’s the guy huh?”

“That’s him,” Justin replied.  “I don’t know how I can do this, Walter.  I don’t even know why they could ask me to do this… but I should’ve known.  I should’ve known that there would be some type of punishment for Brian.”

Walter placed a hand on Justin’s arm, stopping the young man’s train of thought.  “You know that’s not how Nikita works.  I can’t see her doing something like this… it’s not her style.  Not hers, and not Michael’s.”

Justin turned so that he could face the older man.  “Then why?  And don’t tell me the shit about me being the only person who can do this.  Cause frankly that’s totally Bullshit!”  Justin turned away and took a deep breath.  Staring down at the man in the room below, Justin tried to calm himself so that he just may be able to survive this initial encounter.  “I thought I had paid my dues, Walter.  I thought that if I just followed the rules, done my fucking job, that it would be alright.”  Justin shook his head in disbelief, trying to explain to the man what was going through his mind.  “But these past couple of days, it seems that everything is totally fucked up.  My life has spun out of control.  First Brian, now this?  What else?  What else will I have to deal with before I can finally breathe again?”

“The real question is… how are you going to explain this to Brian?  Are you going to explain it,” Walter asked knowing full well where Justin’s mind was at.  

Justin shook his head.  “I don’t know, Walter.  I don’t know.  I can’t tell him about what we do… I can’t.  If he were to find out what I’ve done…”

“It wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference.  I saw the way he looked at you.  I’ve heard you talk about him for the past 5 years, for Christsake.  Do you really think that he would hate you, that he would turn away from you,” Walter asked.  “I don’t.  I know what I’m talking about.  He’s crazy about you.  I could see it.  Don’t let this ruin what you two may have.  That man down there,” Walter said pointing toward the man laying on the bed in the room below.  “He has no power over you anymore.  Don’t let him win.  You’re stronger than that.  YOU have to do this.  You see that right?  What happened has been holding you back, and now you have a way to take your life back.  Take back what HE stole from you.  This is why you need to do this.  Train him, teach him… take back what you lost that day in the parking garage.”

Justin just looked down at the man in the room below.  “What did he steal from me?  My innocence?  Please Madeline did a damn good job of that.”

“That man down there, made your life a living hell.  He stole a hell of a lot from you, and don’t deny it cause I’ll know your lying.  You know it, and I know it,” Walter scolded.  “You know in your heart that he hurt you… hurt you bad.  You’re still fighting it, still suffering from it.  PTSD doesn’t go away, Kiddo.  It was what he did that helped you survive here, that helped you to not rock the boat.  Take that back.”  Walter placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze.  “You are a good person, Justin.  Don’t let this destroy you.  You survived once… you will again.  Just remember, that no matter what, I’m here for you.  I’ll stand by your side, and help you anyway that I can.  I don’t want this to destroy you.  You’ve gone through too much to let that happen now.”

Justin nodded and turned to head down the steps so that he could greet his new Material.  At the steps he paused, and turned slightly so that he could smile at the older man.  “Walter,” he began.  Seeing he had the man’s attention, Justin smiled.  “You’re right … and…thanks.”

* * * * * * * * *

Justin opened the door, and walked in.  After closing it tightly behind him he made his way over to the bed at the side of the room.  Quickly he looked up and saw not only Walter standing guard but Nikita as well.  Briefly he wondered if the were waiting for him to fuck up, or if they wanted him to offer him support.  Deciding on the latter, he made his way closer to the bed, and pulled out a syringe – injecting the other man in the arm with a clear liquid.  He released the wrist-straits and stepped back.  He watched as the other man began to come back to the land of the living, slowly opening his eyes.  

Justin remembered that feeling, although his own awakening into Section was a lot different than anyone else’s.  All because of the man before him.  Justin awoke to pain… pain of a serious head injury that he had sustained at the hands of the man just waking up.  An injury that had happened on what should’ve been one of the best nights of his life.  Because of the man waking up on the bed, Justin had lost it all… he would never graduate High School.  He would never do the big brother thing when Molly started dating.  He would never see Gus grow up… he would never fully know what it’s like to be with the man he loved.

Thinking of all the things that he would never do because of the man laying on the bed before him, Justin could only think of one thing… HATE.  Saying that he hated Hobbs would be an understatement.  This man… this homophobic prick caused Justin to be in this position.  Yeah, Justin knew that it would be here without Hobbs, it was Madeline’s decision and when her mind was made up… that was it.  But that still didn’t stop Justin from feeling the anger rise within him.  He hated that just seeing the man before him, he felt a slight fear rise up from his gut.  The urge to run… to not do anything, to cower was intense.  Justin took a deep breath to try and calm himself.  The last thing he needed right now was to show Hobbs that he was afraid of him… no.  There was no way in Hell Justin was going to allow that.

Justin wanted Hobbs to fear him… to listen to him.  But in order to do that, Justin had to stop the anger and the fear within him.  He had to be the ‘perfect’ Operative.  In his 5 years there at Section, he had learned a thing or two from his mentor, Michael.  He had mastered the art of showing no emotion.  Justin needed to remember those lessons if he was ever going to get through the next two years.

Justin watched as Hobbs shook his head clearing the cobwebs out, and look around at his surroundings.  Hobbs’ eyes immediately found Justin’s and the other man jumped from the bed, ready to strike.  Justin just stood there watching the other man try and figure out what was going on.  “Taylor?  What the fuck are you doing here?  What the fuck is going on?  Where am I?”  Justin listened as Chris began to get his bearings.  He could only guess what was going through the other man’s mind.  “But… you’re… you’re dead.  I killed you.  I was fucking convicted of killing you.”

“And you were given a light sentence and released a year later.  I know,” Justin replied from his spot in the center of the room.  “About a year ago, you started dating Kristen Blake… a fellow student at college.  But one night… one night you were drunk.  You got behind the wheel of your car, with her in the passenger seat, begging for you to stop, to let her drive.  How did that feel, Chris?  How does it feel knowing that with all of her begging… and pleading, you didn’t listen?  You still drove, and slammed into another car.  She died instantly, while you … you got to live.”  Justin could see the pain on Chris Hobbs’ face as he began to describe what he had read in Hobbs’ dossier.  

Justin took slight pleasure as he watched Chris back up into one of the corners of the room, remembering his mistake.  And truth be known, Justin didn’t blame Chris for what happened that night.  It wasn’t fully his fault… granted he NEVER should’ve been behind the wheel; he should’ve listened to his girlfriend.  But Chris didn’t listen… not that he ever did.  And now he would have to live with the fact that he killed the one person he cared for the most in this world.  HE did it.  And in all honesty, Section would’ve left him alone… if he hadn’t rammed into one of the Section Vans coming back from a mission.  He had made a mistake, a huge one.  And now… now his life was changed forever.  No matter how bad he felt for Chris for what had happened, for the obvious pain the other man felt, he wouldn’t let Chris think that what he had done that night was right.  No Chris was WRONG.  He should’ve listened.

Justin swore to himself that he would make Chris start to listen.  The mistakes of his past would be corrected.  The other man would change, even if it killed Justin in trying.  “After you plead out, and was sentenced, you ended up hanging yourself in your cell.  To the outside world, you’re dead,” Justin said placing pictures of Chris’ funeral and news article on the bed beside the other man.  “You’re dead… just like me.  This is your new home.  This is where you might be able to make up for your past sins.  You might be able to make something of yourself.”  

Chris stood there and looked down at the picture, seeing his family and friends mourning his death.  His death that never really happened.  “What’s going on,” he asked, scared for the first time in his life.

“You’re strong, athletic… you have the looks.  You’re the type of person that we need here,” Justin began to explain.

“What?  To be a faggot like you,” Chris hissed throwing the papers back at Justin.  “Why don’t you just kill me now, cause I’d rather be dead than be like you.”

Justin tried not to laugh, shaking his head in disbelief.  “You won’t become a faggot, Chris.  That’s not what this is about.  You’re going to have the chance to make things right… to do good for once in your miserable fucking existence.”  Justin turned to the door slightly, but stopped short and turned back to the other man.  “This is where you’ll train.  This is where you’ll learn.  If after 2 years you survive you’ll be one of us.”

“Fuck you,” Chris said as he made a dive for Justin.  

Justin quickly side-stepped Chris, and moved his arm around the other man’s body, slamming him in the small of the back.  Once Chris was on the ground, Justin placed his knee in the other man’s kidneys, and held his arm against his back, twisting it painfully.  Justin placed his gun against Chris’ temple letting the other man know that he was NOT to be messed with anymore.  “I’m not that little faggot anymore, Chris.  I’m not the person who you can just push around for the fun of it.  You want to kill me, go a head and try.  Bigger and better people then you have tried, and failed.  Don’t fuck with me.”  Leaning in closer, Justin whispered in the other man’s ear.  “You will learn to listen to me.  You will do as I say.  If you want to make it through the next two years, through the rest of your life, you will do what I tell you, when I tell you.  I’m your one fucking hope of making your life worth something.  I am your one chance of being the type of man that Kristen wanted you to be.  Make something of yourself, like she wanted you to be.  Be the man she wanted for you.  Don’t fuck with me, and I’ll make sure that you make it through here.  I’ll see to it that you have what you need to survive.  You can be the man that you deserve… that you have the right to be.”

Releasing Chris and standing, Justin placed his gun back in his pants.  “We start tomorrow at 5 a.m.,” he said as he walked out of the room, closing the door tightly behind him.  

After closing the door, Justin leaned up against the wall and sat down.  He didn’t think that he could make it any further than that.  Feeling someone sit down beside him, he closed his eyes to keep the tears from falling.  He hadn’t cried in years, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted to start now.  Not here, not within these walls.  That was his promise to himself, and he wasn’t about to break it now.  Opening them again, he turned his head toward Walter and gave the other man a small smile.  “I didn’t kill him.”

“No, you didn’t.  I wasn’t worried for one second,” Walter said.

Justin laughed slightly.  “Funny, cause I was.  I wanted to.  I really did.  I guess I’m glad I was smart enough to make sure that the gun was empty,” Justin said shaking his head.  “Cause honestly, if it had been loaded… I would’ve cancelled him on the spot.”

Walter just laughed at the younger man, and watched as Justin stood.  “You’re good.  Damn good.”

Justin held out his hand to the older man.  “Hell yeah.  Now come on, old man.  I’ve got someone waiting at home for me.”

Walter took Justin’s hand and stood.  “Yeah, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on that.”

“Fuck no.”

* * * * * * * * *

Justin walked into the spacious apartment and threw his coat on one of the barstools, and ran his hand across his face.  He had to think, and right now he wasn’t sure what to make of anything.  When he had left Section and started his trek home, Justin had started to think about what was going on.  No matter what anyone had said, or what he had read, he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all one big fuck-you by Section.  ‘ _Am I being tested again?  Is this my fucking punishment for Brian?  Nikita seemed so …I don’t know sincere, but now.  I thought things were different now.  Fuck!  How wrong I was.  How can they ask me to do this?’_   He was tired… tired of proving himself over and over again.  He wasn’t going to leave Section, he knew better than that.  So why bring Chris Hobbs into Section One?  Why couldn’t they have sent him to another Section all together so that Justin would never have to see that man again?  _‘Simple, ass hole… cause Section One is the Best there is.’_   God he hated it when he reasoned with himself right out of being angry.

He looked up and spotted Brian standing on the patio looking out over the city.  Walking up to the man, he wrapped his arms around Brian’s body, holding his lover close to his body.  Just knowing that Brian was there, that the other man loved him… at least cared a great deal for him, made all the shit that was going on seem less important to him.  Cause as far as Justin was concerned, all that matter was now – was Brian.  Brian turned around and wrapped his own arms around Justin’s lean frame, laying his head on top of the younger man’s.  Both were just allowing themselves the confort that they needed from one another.  “Bad day,” Brian whispered against Justin’s head.

“You don’t know the half of it.  If I knew that it would be this nice to come home to someone, I would’ve done it sooner,” Justin smiled against Brian’s chest.  Leaning back he looked the older man in the eye, then reached up to pull Brian’s lips down to his own.  

“Now that’s a welcome home that I can handle,” Brian said smiling against Justin’s lips, kissing him again.  “So how was your day?”

Justin shook his head and pulled away, holding out his hand for Brian to take.  The two walked into the apartment and sat down on the couch, still holding onto each other.  “It was there.  I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.  I’m sorry.  I don’t want to put you in any danger, Brian… and if I tell you… Anyway, my day was shit, how was yours?  Were you able to keep busy?”

Brian tried not to feel bad for Justin avoiding his question, he tried not to be angry, but it was hard.  He wanted to know… wanted to know what Justin’s life was like – to be a part of it.  Brian decided he would just sit back and bide his time… Justin would tell him, of that he had no doubt.  He could wait.  “Well Vance came by,” Brian started.  He felt Justin stiffen in his arms a little, and he began to run his hands up and down Justin’s arms hoping to calm the young man.  “We talked, it wasn’t really anything too drastic.”

“What did he want,” Justin asked, hoping to hide the sudden fury that had engulfed him.  Justin was beginning to wonder if this day would get any worse.  He didn’t want to have to deal with this crap anymore.

“He wanted to make sure that I kept all of this a secret.  He gave me a couple ofthings to think about… nothing too drastic.  He said I could live,” Brian joked.

Justin turned so that he could face Brian.  “Don’t even joke about that!  Mr. Jones isn’t the type of person who you want to fuck with here, Brian.  He can easily have someone standing across the street just waiting for a clear shot.”  Justin removed himself from Brian’s arms and walked away from the other man.  “You don’t know what is going on here, Brian.  This isn’t some game.   This isn’t like in the movies where it’s all that bullshit.  This is real life, this is dangerous.  Every day, I put my life on the line, and one little slip up, on misstep will get me killed.  If not by the people that we’re fighting against then by the people I work for.  These people won’t hesitate to Cancel me if I fuck up.  That’s the way things are.  I’m no one to them… no one.  I’m an operative, and a fucking good operative, but I’m replaceable.  If I fuck up, there are no second chances here, I will get no ‘Do better next time,’ shit.  I’d be dead before anyone even knew.”

Brian sat there on the couch watching Justin pace back and forth, trying to wrap his brain around what Justin was telling him.  He just couldn’t fathom what the young man was telling him.  How could the people that you work for just kill you cause you made a mistake?  Why would they?  Everyone makes mistakes… hell he should know he’s made enough of them himself.  “Justin, you’re over-reacting.  I don’t see how they could just kill their own people.  Everyone makes mistakes, it’s not the end of the fucking world,” Brian said shaking his head.  “I always knew that you had your drama queen moments but…”  
  


“This isn’t a ‘Drama Queen’ moment, Brian… this is Real fucking life.  This is MY life.  For better or for worse, it’s my life now.  If I fuck up, hundreds, thousands, hell even millions could die.  That’s my reality, Brian.  That’s what I deal with every day.  I fall asleep knowing that, I wake up and that’s what’s real in my world.”  Justin walked over and stood by the wall, facing his lover.  “You don’t understand, Brian, and I hope to god you never do… You have no idea what it’s like to watch children die… to see them used as suicide bombers.  You don’t know what it’s like to have to kill someone.  I do.  That’s my life.  I can’t change it.”

Justin moved so that he could sit on the coffee table in front of the couch and look at Brian.  “We deal with some people who don’t care who gets in their way as long as their message is received.  Groups like Red Cell,  Al -Quida , Black Curtain, so many of them, more than I even knew existed.  That’s a fact, a solid, cold, hard fact.  If we fail… if I fail, what happened on September 11, 2001 will look like a walk in the park.  That’s what I do.  That’s the truth of my life.  I don’t expect you to understand, but I do ask you to NOT think that I could just up and leave whenever I wanted to, that I couldn’t die at a moment’s notice.  That will never happen.  That is the facts of what I do.  Welcome to my world now, Brian.”

Brian leaned forward on the couch so that he could grab a hold of Justin’s hand.  He felt that he needed to ground them both from this strangeness that was going around.  Was what Justin said true?  Brian almost couldn’t grasp the idea that Justin is trying to tell him is an every day reality for the young man… for a lot of people.  “I … I just don’t understand, Justin.”

“I hope you never do, Brian.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I’ve had to kill.  How many lives I’ve taken, or … or fucked up.”  Justin moved closer to the couch and pushed Brian back against the cushions.  Crawling on top of the older man, Justin leaned his forehead against Brian’s and began to run his fingers through the short hairs of Brian’s neck.  “There are times that I don’t even know why I’m still alive.  When all I want to do it take a gun and blow my brains out, but I don’t.  Somewhere in my mind… in my heart, I know I can’t do that.  I always make sure I come home.”  Justin leaned in and lightly kissed Brian on the lips, wanting and needing to feel the other man against him.  “I can’t tell you how I prayed for this day.  How I had dreamed that one day I would see you again.  You helped me survive, Brian.  I love you,” Justin said as he felt Brian’s hands cup his face, pulling him down toward his awaiting lips.  “I love you.”

* * * * * * * * *

** BRIAN’S JOURNAL ENTRY **

Okay… It’s times like this that I HATE the fact that my shrink tells me to keep this fucking journal.  I mean what the hell can I say?  Nothing.  I can’t tell anyone about my time here in Paris.  In fact I might as well burn these pages before I leave.  I know that he’s going to ask me for them, but I can’t give them to him.  I can’t tell anyone about any of this.  All I can say is that I was here and I worked.  What a fucking joke.

Hell who would believe me anyway?  No one.  Justin is alive!  After all these years of thinking he was gone forever… now here he is, just a few feet away from me.  Sleeping peacefully after some serious fucking.  Now… I know I shouldn’t lie in this thing, but what should I call it?  Making love?  Sex?  I don’t know really.  I mean it’s been five long years since I had last held him… been with him.  Five years is a long fucking time.  I don’t know what to make of any of this, what I am feeling right now.  I just don’t know.  All I know is I’m afraid to close my eyes and sleep.  Afraid that if I do, he’ll be gone again, and I’ll find out that this was a dream.  I know that I don’t want that.  I want him… that’s all I know.  Now that I have him again, I don’t ever want to let go. 

When Justin went into ‘work’ this morning… yesterday morning whenever the fuck it was… my days are so screwed up right now.  Anyway, Vance and I sat down and had a nice long talk.  I almost kicked the shit out of him for coming in here like he owned the place… making himself at home.  Knowing that he had known about Justin all this time… I want to kill him myself, but know that I can’t.  But he’s the one who’s been having dinner with Justin… sharing in Justin’s life.  Is that unfair?  Hell yes!  However as I heard Walter tell Justin the other day ‘there’s nothing you can do to change it now’.  How true that is.

No matter what I want to do to take back those missing years, I can’t.  Justin isn’t the same person he was back then.  Hell I’m not either.  But we’re working on getting to know each other again.  This time the right way.  I don’t want to be without him again.  I don’t think I could survive it again.  No I know I wouldn’t.

Anyway Vance asked me … well offered me a spot on his ‘team’ as a personal assistant.  After my talk with Justin last night… what was I supposed to say?  How could I just stand by and NOT say yes?  How could I NOT want to try and make his life worth something, allow him the chance at something besides all the pain I saw in his eyes as he told me about his new life?

What could I say but yes?  

This will get me a chance to be close to Justin.  He’s giving me a month here to learn the ropes, then when I get back we’ll sit and talk about what the next step will be.  Personally I don’t think he’s who he said he is.  I don’t think that he’s actually the person in charge, but I don’t have any proof of that.  Time will tell on that one, and I for one can’t wait to see the looks on everyone’s faces.  

I remember back on 9-11, the anger I felt. I remember sitting there and cursing everyone.  I knew people who died in the towers, and I remember feeling that the damn government could’ve done something to prevent this.  That they should’ve stopped it.  I didn’t think that anyone cared before that day.  I can say now without a doubt that I was wrong… so terribly wrong.  There are those who are out there fighting this stuff… giving their lives.  They don’t make it known… they don’t ask for credit.  It’s all in secrecy, no one the wiser.  I also realize now that there are a lot more groups out there then we ever knew about.  I know now that it’s people like Justin who are keeping us safe.  

Yeah it sucks how they have to go about it… I mean pretending to be dead, but in a way I can also understand it.  What they do, and how they go about it… it’s safer for the friends and family of the ones fighting.  I don’t know how they do it.  I see the look in Justin’s eyes, and I know that with each day that passes that he’s fighting the battle of his soul.  There are times that I look at him and I see the pain that he’s in.  Each life he takes, takes a part of him.  

Now not to sound conceited or anything, but these past couple of days I have seen the light start to shine again.  When I first saw him… his eyes… fuck they were so empty.  Now… well now, they shine.  Not all the time, but it’s there.  Thank me very much.  I want him to feel like he can share this shit with me.  That he can tell me about his day.  That’s what it’s all about, what I’m willing to give him.

I know that I will have to watch myself around the guys.  We will still sit around at times and talk about the ‘after effects’ of 9-11.  I remember all the talk about the government not doing enough to stop it.  It’s going to be hard not to yell at them that Justin’s out there fighting it, and what the hell are they doing except complaining?  But for Justin I’ll do it.  For once I will keep my thoughts to myself – okay so my snide comments to myself, better?

And how the hell am I going to talk to my shrink again?  I mean I know he’ll ask about my trip, and how I’m feeling.  I can’t say that I feel absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.  I have the one thing that I have dreamed about for the past 5 years.  I have my Justin back.  But that will have to be my secret.  I never thought I would be here again.  I never thought that I would be inside him again, taste him again… but here I am.  Many times so far I might add.  I had forgotten how good sex could be… how fulfilling it could be.  It’s like no time has past.  We still know each other’s ‘spots’, how to please each other… how to complete each other.  

No one can do that to me but Justin.  I know that now.  I’ve tried, and no one can compete.

That’s why I’m not giving this up.  No way in hell am I going to fuck this up and lose him.  Not now.  Never again.  Well the little Sunshine is waking up and I better go for now.  Have a morning hard on to take care of.

* * * * * * * * *

Justin walked down from the bedroom and headed straight toward the kitchen.  He still had time before he had to be at Section for his morning training session with Hobbs.  ‘ _God, how the hell am I going to explain that to Brian?’_    Putting the coffee on, he turned to quickly make himself something to eat.  He was tired from last night’s activities, but going on little or no sleep was nothing new to Justin.  He couldn’t count how many days he would have to go without sleep through the years.  

Feeling Brian’s arms snake around his waist, Justin turned around slightly so that he could kiss the other man deeply.  “Morning,” he said wrapping his own arms around Brian.  

“It’s too fucking early.  Come back to bed,” Brian said as he began to pull Justin toward the stairs. 

Justin stopped the forward motion, and shook his head.  “I wish, but I have to be in before 5.  So, if I’m ever going to make it, I have to get ready.”

“Fuck,” Brian cursed leaning his forehead against Justin’s.  “Why so fucking early?”

Justin leaned back so he could look Brian in the eye and shrugged.  “Unfortunately, I have a new recruit and training starts at 5 a.m.  It’s a sacrifice, but…”

“New recruit,” Brian asked.  Justin could only nod.  “Fuck.  And here I thought we could stay in bed all day.”

“Later,” Justin replied, pulling out of the other man’s arms.  “You can go back to bed if you want.  I just need to have something in my stomach… at least something so I don’t puke all over the poor guy,” Justin laughed thinking of what Christopher Hobbs would do if he did puke all over him.  He would most likely be running to medical to have a complete blood work done on him.  Catching Brian’s confused look, Justin could only shake his head.  “Don’t ask.  I don’t know if I can really explain.”

“So is he hot,” Brian asked, and Justin heard a twinge of jealousy in the other man’s voice.

“No!  No way in HELL would I even think about doing him.  Even if I was ordered to,” Justin explained forcefully.  The last thing that he wanted to do was to be near Hobbs any longer than he had to.  It was bad enough that he had to be around that man for the next two years, train him… he sure as hell wasn’t going to have sex with him.  _Maybe they’ll make him a Valentine Op, and he has to have sex with a man,_ Justin thought with humor.  “So you going back to bed, or are you hungry?”

Brian looked at Justin closely, and then turned toward the TV.  “Coffee,” Brian said sitting down and turning on the TV.  Justin could only shake his head.  He figured that he would put something in front of Brian and see if the other man would eat.  Neither one of them had been concerned with food these past couple of days, so he knew that Brian must be hungry.  “Fuck,” Brian whispered, watching the news.

  
Justin walked over to Brian and turned up the volume on the TV.  Before them were images of a blown out building.  People were running around trying to help the wounded, and carrying the dead.  Images of death and destruction filled the room, as the reporters explained what they were seeing.  SUICIDE BOMBER, they said.  “Great.  Just fucking great,” Justin swore.  Just then the phone rang, and Brian watched as Justin lowered his head, and picked up his cell.  “Yeah…I’ll be right there.”  Justin turned toward Brian and shrugged.  “I have to go in.  You’ll be alright here.”

Brian stood from his spot on the couch and made his way over toward Justin.  “When will you be back?  Any idea?”

Justin shrugged and took a deep breath.  He turned from Brian and walked up the stairs to the bedroom so that he could get ready to leave.  “I don’t know.  I may not be back tonight… it all depends.”  Justin pulled on his pants and turned so that he faced his lover.  “Brian…I’m sorry.  If I had a choice… I would rather stay here, but I don’t have that luxury.  I’ll be back just as soon as I can.  Don’t let anyone in, okay.  Promise me you’ll be careful.”

Brian stepped closer to Justin, and wrapped his arms around the young man.  “Justin…Don’t worry about me.  I’m a big boy; I think I can take care of myself.  And I think I know you well enough to know that, if that mess is what you need to take care of,” he said nodding over toward the TV.  “You couldn’t live with yourself if you didn’t do something.  It’s just the way you are.”

Justin reached up and pulled Brian’s lips toward his own.  “You’re amazing.  What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Brian turned his face away briefly, feeling slightly pressured by Justin’s words.  Turning back toward the blond, Brian smiled.  “Must have been something horrible.”

“Yeah right.  So I’ll be home when I can.”  Justin moved away from Brian and grabbed his leather jacket and headed out.  Stopping briefly at the open door, Justin turned back to Brian and smiled.  “Later,” he said before he closed the door behind him.

Brian stood there for a couple of minutes after Justin had left wondering if he would see the young man again.  He had a pretty good idea what that phone call was about, and knew that Justin more than likely would be heading out to try and take care of it.  He felt a wave of panic the moment Justin had stood by the door and said later.  The last time he had done that, Brian had thought Justin was dead.  ‘Don’t even think that shit.  You just found him again, and fate wouldn’t be that cruel.  You’re not going to lose him now… not after all this time,’ Brian told himself.  He went over and picked up his cell and hit re-dial.  Once the person on the other end answered Brian just simply got to the point.  He knew what he had to do.  “How about that tour today? … Alright, I’ll be there.”

Hanging up the phone, Brian went to get ready.  He was going to find out what Justin did on a daily basis.  No matter what the cost.

* * * * * * * * *

Brian walked into Section, following closely behind the guard that Vance had assigned him.  Vance had told him to meet up with one of his people so that Brian could start his introduction.  Vance also stated that he would contact Section One and inform them that one of his people would be there to observe.  Brian knew that Vance had already told the heads of Section that he would be the new liaison, but he wasn’t sure what type of welcome he would get.  Would he even get a good welcome, or would they shut him out of everything?  Brian wasn’t sure really.

Brian looked around as they made their way through the halls of Section, trying to get an idea of what it must be like for the young man who had become such a huge part of his life.  ‘What does Justin think of when he walks these halls,’ Brian wondered briefly.  As they made their way to another hallway on the opposite side of a large open room, Brian saw computers lining one entire side of the room.  To his right he spotted Walter busily talking to people as he loaded large black boxes on a table in the center of his small room.  Near the hallway, Brian saw a long table, and above it he saw Nikita standing by a large window that overlooked the room.  

The two men walked up a set of stairs, being ignored by everyone as they continued toward their destination.  Brian spotted Justin through a window on the right at the top of the stairs.  He wanted to go in there, and see his lover, but he was dragged away from the sight toward another set of stairs.  When Brian stepped into the room he saw Nikita talking to a lean, good looking man standing against one of the walls.  “We have a six hour window,” the man’s smooth voice stated.

Brian’s ‘guide’ left him alone with the other two in the room.  Brian looked out the window, watching as the people within these walls moved from place to place.  Brian felt a little better about everything as he took note that everyone seemed to ensure that everything was in order.  “And after that,” Nikita asked him.  “What’s the success rate?”

“Sixty-three percent.  I’ll have an Abeyance team on stand-by.  Red team will lead the assault,” the man calmly added.  The man looked over at Brian, then returned his attention to Nikita.  “Briefing will be in fifteen minutes.  Do you want to talk to Justin after Briefing?”

“Are the Sims agreeable with you,” she asked.  The man nodded, and Nikita just shook her head.  “No… I do however want you to lead the mission from here, Michael.  We’ll need our best people on the job.”  Michael nodded and left the room, leaving Brian and Nikita alone.  “Brian.  Mr. Jones informed me of your new position.”

Brain moved so that he was standing directly in front of the large window, and shrugged.  “Yeah, well… it was an offer I couldn’t refuse,” he said looking sideways at Nikita.  He had a feeling that this woman was more than what she appeared to me.  Of course he wasn’t a hundred percent sure that Vance was who he said he was either.  Brian knew he would have to keep an eye on these two as time went on.  He hated surprises, and the two of them were definitely hiding something.  “I figured what better time to see how everything works.”

Nikita nodded and also turned toward the window so that she was standing beside Brian.  “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you want to make sure Justin is alright, would it?”

Brian laughed slightly.  “So what if it is?  There’s no law against it… even in here.  He said he had to leave… how was I to know that he would have to go on a mission?”

Nikita nodded knowingly.  Both of them knew that Brian wasn’t telling everything, but they also knew that not everything had to be shared.  “Since you’re here, you can sit in on the briefing, watch from Comms as the mission progresses.  However,” Nikita began turning so that she faced Brian.  “You are in no way to interfere with the mission.  Not with the preparation, not with the actual mission… nothing.  You are here only as an observer.  Are we clear on that Mr. Kinney?”

“Crystal clear…. Operations,” Brian stated with a small smirk.  “So I guess I should head down to where this little Briefing is to take place.  To observe of course.”

“Of course.  You passed by it on the way up here.  The table right below us will be where it’ll be held.”  Brian nodded and left Nikita standing in her office.  Once Brian left the office, Nikita silently prayed that they had all made the right decision.  That Brian Kinney wouldn’t become a liability to them all.

* * * * * * * * *

Brian started to walk toward the stairs leading back down toward where the briefing was going to take place, when he felt someone run right into him.  Looking up he came face to face with a very upset Justin.  “Brian… what the… Come here,” the younger man said as he pulled Brian into the same office that Brian had seen Justin in earlier.  Justin pushed Brian inside, shut the door, and quickly went behind his desk and pressed some numbers into a small device beside his chair.  “What the FUCK are you doing here?”

“Good to see you too, Sunshine,” Brian said as he moved over to the chair behind Justin’s desk.  Sitting in the young man’s chair, Brian looked around the office.  The walls were bare, and the whole place seemed dead to Brian.  The only thing that even hinted that it belonged to his lover was the small picture that he had beside his computer screen, barely noticeable.  Unless a person sat in that very chair, they never would’ve seen the picture.  Brian picked it up and saw that it was of the whole gang back in Pittsburgh, including the man’s own mother and sister.  Brian remembered that day as Gus’ fifth birthday party.  “How the hell did you get this,” the older man asked.

Justin reached over and took the picture out of Brian’s hand and set it back down on his desk.  “Don’t change the subject Brian.  What the hell are you doing here?  I have a mission to go on in less than an hour… I can’t be babysitting you.”

“Who the fuck said anything about me needing a babysitter?  I think I’m old enough to take care of myself, thank-you very much.  And for your information, Sunnyboy, I am the new liaison for the Center,” Brian said in his famous tongue in cheek way looking at the other man’s reaction.

“What the hell are you thinking?  Where you even thinking?  Dammit Brian!”  Justin moved toward the window and stared out toward the hall, his back toward Brian.  “You have no idea what goes on here… what you have done, do you?”

Brian moved across the room and placed his hands on Justin’s shoulders.  “It was either this… or be brainwashed into believing you were still dead.  What would you have me to do?”

Justin didn’t even acknowledge Brian’s touch.  “It would’ve been better if you had just taken them up on that offer.  Forget you ever saw me.  I knew this was a bad idea… I knew I should’ve just said fuck it, and left you alone.  Now… FUCK!”

Brian turned Justin around so that they were face to face, as he leaned in to press their foreheads together.  “Justin…”

Justin took a deep breath and looked into the other man’s eyes.  “I have to get down there.  Briefing will start soon, and I have to finish prepping for the mission.  But this discussion is FAR from over.”

“I can’t wait,” Brian said with a small smile.  This was the Justin he remembered… the one who was a pure pit-bull… the one who made Brian’s life interesting.  Brian pulled away and opened the door.  “Shall we go?  Wouldn’t want to keep them waiting.”

“You have a lot of explaining to do when I get back, Brian.  Don’t think that you’re going to get out of it.”

“Wouldn’t think of it,” Brian said as he shut the door behind them and followed Justin down toward the briefing.  Brian was finally going to know exactly what Justin did… what Justin had to put up with since his ‘death’.  It was time for someone to be there for Justin… and Brian was willing to be the one, no matter what the cost.  The two men walked over to the large table, and sat down at opposite ends.  Brian saw at least six other people sitting there, only one other he knew.  Walter was sitting next to Justin, giving the younger man a shocked look.  Brian knew that the older man was shocked to see him there, but he wasn’t about to explain himself to some long haired hippie.  

Brian watched Justin out of the corner of his eye as the briefing progressed.  The man Brian had briefly encountered in Nikita’s office – Michael – went over the mission details, with Justin and another young man adding some details throughout.  Brian was impressed with Justin’s knowledge… answering questions from others at the table, and appearing completely calm.  Michael stated that the success rate on this mission was low nineties, and Brian couldn’t understand how someone could be so calm knowing that there was still ten percent or so that is unknown.  He didn’t … couldn’t fathom how someone could sit there and remain calm knowing that they may not return from this mission.

When the briefing was over Brian watched as Justin made his way out of the area… most likely going to change into the same outfit as everyone else.  “Hey, why don’t you stick with me, kid, and I’ll show you the ropes,” Walter stated from behind Brian.  Brian could only nod and follow the other man to the same small room that Brian had noticed when he came in.  “This is munitions.  Inside each one of these boxes,” Walter explain as he began to place large black boxes on top of the table.  Brian walked over and began to help, taking quick note of the weight.  “Each one contains at minimum at least one Field locator, a scrambler, one Snubnose 357, one Beretta 92F, some trackers, your basic heavy-duty explosives …. more than enough to blow up a five city block radius.  Plus some other little goodies -- Medical field kit, night vision gear, com unites, food… you name it, it’s in here.”

Brian was amazed at the list of items inside of these boxes.  It did however make him a little nervous handling something that could wipe out all of Liberty Ave.  “Is this all standard?  Or is this a special mission to require this much,” Brian asked.  Looking up Brian saw Justin make his way toward the room.  Brian instantly felt a tightening in his pants as he saw Justin in pair of black pants, bulletproof vest covering a tight black wifebeater, and black jacket which lay open.  Seeing Justin like that – a minor fantasy of his come to life – caused Brian to turn away before he threw Justin down on the table and had his way with the young man.

“Yeah… for the most part this is all standard,” Walter explained to Brian, taking note of the other man’s lack of interest.  Not that Walter could blame the other man, but he knew that right now, Justin didn’t need the distraction.  Walter placed a hand on Brian’s arm, getting the other man’s attention.  When Brian turned to Walter, the old man just shook his head.  “He’s in what he calls the Zone.  Don’t… He doesn’t need to think of anything but the mission,” Walter warned.

“Jesus, I wasn’t going to do anything,” Brian silently cursed.  He hated that he had been caught, and scolded like a child.  He wasn’t going to throw Justin down and fuck him… no matter how much that idea appealed to him at the moment.

Walter stepped closer to Brian so that he could talk quietly without anyone else in the room listening in.  “Look, if you want Justin to come back… you need to let him do this.  He needs to stay attached so that he can go and do his job.  I’m just telling you this because he’s my friend.  I love that kid, and I don’t want anything to happen to him.  When this mission is over, he’ll be the same lovable kid we know.  But until then…” Walter didn’t finish only pointed toward Justin to make his point known.

  
Brian nodded, and the two men returned to their task.  Brian looked up at Justin, trying to figure out what the hell Walter was talking about.  Shit about a zone… and all that other crap didn’t make any sense to Brian.  He looked Justin up and down, not noting anything different about the young man from a half hour ago.  It wasn’t until Brian caught Justin’s eyes that he knew what Walter was talking about.  Brian felt the breath leave his body as he saw the empty, almost mechanical look in the young man’s eyes.  Brian had always loved Justin’s eyes – they were always full of love, and laughter.  Now however, they were cold and unyielding.  It was a look that Brian didn’t like.

Justin stood by the table which contained the boxes, and started to look through one.  “Time,” Justin asked, his voice monotone, and quiet.

  
Brian just stood off to the side listening to a conversation in which he felt he had walked into the middle of.  He had no idea what the hell Justin was talking about… hell if it even was Justin.  If Brian thought that Justin’s eyes were bad… the young man’s voice was just another stab to his heart.  “You’ll have about five minutes from the time you press this button,” Walter explained handing a small device to Justin.  “Once it’s pressed you want to make sure you’re at least five thousand meters away… at least.  Once you put this on the target, press the button here at the top.  That will automatically set it to stand-bye.  All you have to do from there, is press this, and good-bye.”  Walter went to the side and grabbed a rifle and handed that over to Justin.  “Now this is a special little thing I’ve been working on.  We have it all set up that anyone who leaves the compound will be tagged.  But if someone tries to sneak out through an underground passage, all you have to do is hit them once with this… and we’ll be able to track ‘em.”

“Styles,” Justin said taking the gun from Walter and handing it over to another member of the unit.  “See you in about 8 hours,” Justin said closing the box, and taking it with him out of the room, not acknowledging Brian standing there.  

“Good luck, kiddo,” Walter said.  Turning to Brian, Walter placed a hand on the other man’s shoulder and stood there watching the team head out.  “Now all we can do is wait until they reach the first marker.  He’ll be back,” Walter told Brian in a strong voice.  

“You don’t know that,” Brian replied, wishing that Justin wasn’t walking away from him.  Wishing that he could just hold the young man one more time… tell him to come back safe.

“Justin hasn’t let us down yet.  He’s one of the best.  He always comes back, always makes sure they all come back.  He knows what he’s doing, and plans for all contingencies.  Michael taught him well, and he will be back.  That’s one thing that I know,” Walter told Brian.  

“I hope you’re right.  I hope you’re right,” Brian said.  Turning from the older man, he sat down in a chair next to the wall.  Taking a deep breath in order to calm the sudden fear that had clenched his heart, Brian cleared his mind and remembered he had a job to do himself.  He wasn’t about to screw this up and lose Justin all together.  He had to believe that Justin would be alright, that the young man would return.  He had to.  But for now, he had a job to do, and he wanted to know everything that there was to know about Section One, and Justin’s life.  “So what now?”

Walter was pleased at Brian’s resolve, thankful that the man had gotten a hold of his emotions.  “Now… well now I take you on the Grand Tour of hell.”

Brian laughed and shook his head.  “If you ask my mother, that’s where I belong.”

“Well, you’ve reached it,” Walter said placing a hand on Brian’s shoulder.  “Shall we?”

“Lead the way,” Brian stood, and followed Walter.  He would find out whatever he could about how this place operated.  Maybe he could find a way to make Justin’s life better.  All Brian wanted was Justin safe, and he knew that one person who would help ensure that was Walter.  Brian knew he would just have to learn more about the man who held Justin’s respect.  He would learn all he could from this man, and figure out a way to use it to his advantage.  The information he gathered today, Brian figured that he would be able to use in order to ensure Justin’s continued safety behind these walls.  

  
This would be one thing that he wouldn’t fail.  He couldn’t fail Justin again.  The young man would survive, no matter what the cost to himself.

* * * * * * * * *

_ So I held my head up high hiding hate that burns inside _

_ Which only fuels there selfish pride _

_ We're all held captive out from the sun _

_ A sun that shines on only some _

_ We the meek are all in one _

_ I hear a thunder in the distance see a vision of a cross _

_ I feel the pain that was given on that sad day of loss _

_ A lion roars in the darkness only he holds the key _

_ A light to free me from my burden and grant me life eternally _

_ Should have been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head _

_ Creed - My Own Prison _

* * * * * * * * *

Brian sat down in a chair next to a young man that Walter had introduced as Jason.  Looking around he saw all of the screens showing the various aspects of the mission.  Jason quickly explained to him which each screen meant, and represented.  One was a heat sensor, while other showed real-life images of the area, building floor plans.  Another one had different colored dots across a map, and Jason had explained that the green ones were their teams, while the red was the enemy.  Brian sat and listen to the last minute instructions passed between Section and Justin’s team over a speaker.  He wanted to wish Justin luck, but hearing the young man’s emotionless voice he tried to stop the pain that pierced his heart at the sound.  

He didn’t like that Justin was like a robot.  He wanted the young man that he had cared about, not someone who seemed emotionless.  Brian had heard Justin talk about what it was like for him there at Section, he had heard the stories from Walter, but never in his dreams would he have imagined this.  He never would’ve thought that he would see people – kids in most instances – walking around showing no emotion.  ‘ _What the hell do they do to people here,’_ he thought.  ‘ _What have they put Justin through to make him like this?’_   All Brian knew was that he wanted his old ‘Sunshine’ back… he needed to have that Justin back, not this… never this.

“All teams proceed to first mark,” Jason said into his comm. unit.  Brian watched as the dots on the screen moved from one point to the next.  He could hear the rush of air, which he figured was a shot from a silenced gun then something hitting the ground.  Looking up at one of the monitors, he caught a glimpse of a camera view from one of the operatives.  He briefly wondered who it was, hoping that it was Justin so he would know that the man was okay.  

“We’re at the door,” came a voice over the speaker.

Jason began to type something into the computer before him, then nodded when something appeared before him.  “Right, it’s clear.  You’re good to go.  Move to next marker.”  Jason sat at his computer and pulled up something.  “Justin, the hostile should be in the room down the hall.  Last room on the left.  I’m reading four bodies.”

Brian looked up at the screen above the young man, and saw what he was talking about.  As he watched, he saw one green dot move toward a small room.  Hearing the sounds of gun-fire, Brian watched the screen as all but one red dot disappeared.  “Charges are set,” came a voice.

“Material’s secure, prepare egress,” Justin said.  “Two minutes,” the young man said as the countdown clock in Comms began to countdown.  

Brian held his breath as he saw more red ‘dots’ move to surround the team.  They wouldn’t have an easy time getting out as they had getting in.  “Silent alarm has been activated.  You have hostiles converging on your position,” Jason said.

“All teams, move to alternative egress.  Team two cover,” Michael said.  Brian had almost forgotten that the other man was there, having mainly kept silent as the team communicated with Jason.  Brian had a hard time keeping track of everything that was going on.  Between watching the clock, the screens, and Michael, Brian wondered how anyone could remain as calm as these men and woman seemed to be.  He was having a nervous breakdown.

Brian wasn’t sure if he could take anymore -- if he could even breathe -- as he heard the sounds of their people getting hit, shouting out in pain.  He wanted to tell Justin to keep his head down, to watch his back, but he wasn’t even sure which ‘dot’ was the man he cared about.  The clock slowly moved toward zero, and Brian closed his eyes.  There was the sound of a huge explosion, and all the screens lit up.  “All teams secure.  Send in housekeeping,” Justin’s voice came over the speaker.  Brian let out the breath he’d been holding, grateful that Justin was alright.   

It was over, the teams were on their way back.  Brian realized however, that things were just beginning.  He now knew what it was that they did.  He couldn’t push it away, he couldn’t ignore it.  This was real, and there was nothing that he could do to change that.  

People were killed.  

Brian knew that he could NEVER do what Justin does.  He could never handle being out there, and not seeing everything.  He knew that he had more information in front of him than Justin had out there in the field.  How much trust must you have in those you work with.  Everyone here, in Comms, worked hard so that the teams out in the field return.  Hey were the only ones who really knew what was going on.

No, Brian knew he could never be out in the field.  His respect for Justin and those in his unit went up.  This young man, who had pushed his way into Brian’s life is out there, doing something that men with more experience than he had -- had been born into this life -- couldn’t do.  

And for what?  They will never get recognition.  No one will ever know what they did.  They didn’t even exist.

* * * * * * * * *

Walter looked up as Brian made his way over to him, and he immediately knew that the young man wanted to talk.  Hell, Walter half expected it.  He knew that Brian was in denial, no matter what the man had tried to pull of.  Walter could see beyond the man’s brave front, the look of ‘I-don’t-give-a-shit’.  Justin had told Walter, that he felt as if Brian didn’t understand, that Brian felt like this was all a joke.  Looking at the man now, Walter could see that the little bubble had just been burst wide open.  Brian couldn’t deny what they really do now.  

“You okay, you look a little green,” Walter slightly joked.  He felt bad for the man, but he wasn’t going to make it easy on him either.  He wanted Brian to know just what it was that Justin did.  He wanted the man to realize however, that the Justin that loves is not the same one that was just on that mission.  Justin was NOT the same person that he was all those years ago.  If Brian wanted to have anything with the young operative, then he would have to see Justin for who he was now.

“Fuck off,” Brian said as he sat down in one of the chairs at the table.  “How do you do it,” he asked quietly.  “How can you stand there, listening, as those you care about are out there possibly dying?  Knowing that you could do something about it.”  Brian ran his hand through his hair, trying to calm himself.  “We have all this information here, stuff that they don’t see.”

Walter walked over and placed his hand on Brian’s shoulder, and tried to offer the man some comfort.  “We deal.  When you’ve been here a while – like I have, like Justin has… Nikita, Michael, Jason – you learn to deal with it.  I can’t begin to tell you how many people I’ve seen walk out those doors, and not return.  Or have them return only to be cancelled right here in these walls.  But you mourn, and you move on.  Here, you can’t dwell on the what could have been’s, what if’s.  You’ll go insane within two months.”

Brian looked up at the older man, and shook his head in disbelief.  “How long have you been here, Walter?”

Walter stood back slightly and laughed.  “Hell, I’ve been here forever it seems like.  Almost 40 years.”

“Fuck!  How do you stay sane?  We you ever out in the field, or did you always do this,” he said pointing to the munitions.

Walter sat down in a chair beside Brian and looked around his small room.  “Nah, I was a field op for a while.  Never had had the stomach for Valentine Ops, but I was in the field a number of years.  I was one of the first ones in here, back before Operations… Paul, took over.  I’ve lost people I cared a hell of a lot about.  Lost Brikoff, who was like a son to me.  I was even at his damn birth for crying out loud.  Lost Belinda,” Walter said, his voice cracking slightly.  Shaking his head, he cleared his thoughts of those memories, and smiled slightly.  “She was my wife.  Lost a lot of good people.  Here… you take one day at a time.  Live life to the fullest.  If you call in love, if you have the chance to, you take what you can get, when you can get it.  Cause you never know when it will be your last.”

“I don’t know how anyone can live like that,” Brian said looking at the other man.

“It’s not easy.  It’s not.  But everyone here knows what they need to do to survive, we make sure that they know.  Hopefully, they will remember that, and come back to us.  If not…well it’s no different than what it’s like on the outside.  I mean, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been out there, but you can’t tell me that it’s there’s that much difference.”  Walter turned and leaned in a little bit, laying his arm on the edge of the table.  “Even out there, you never know what’s going to happen.  You might get in a car accident, shot going to the store, get blown up in a suicide bombing.  It’s all the same. We just know, at least try to know, what’s going on.  That’s the biggest difference.”

“I guess I just don’t understand why they … we,” he said shaking his head angrily.  “Why we take people who don’t want to be here.  Why _we_ in effect, kill these people and make sure that they never return home.”

Walter thought about it, and he knew that it was something that almost everyone asked.  The only problem was, there really wasn’t an answer they wanted to hear.  “You know why,” he began.  “If we had a ‘family’ they would be in danger.  These people want us dead, and they will use anything in their power to get the information that they want.  They will torture us until they find a way to get rid of Section.”  Walter turned toward Brian so he could make sure the other man understood.  “I’ve known times when Justin was captured, tortured.  Let’s say that they knew he had a kid, or … or lover.  We both know he would do anything in his power to protect those he cared about.”

“I get it,” Brian said, knowing full well why.  He just didn’t have to like it.  “I guess I should feel lucky that I know he’s alive.”

“Take what you can, when you can.  Frankly, I’m thrilled that you’re here.  Justin deserves to be happy.”  Walter smiled at Brian.  “Just don’t hurt him, and we’ll have no problem.”

* * * * * * * * *

Brian stood beside Nikita at the entryway to Van Access waiting for Justin’s team to return.  Brian needed to see for himself that Justin was alright.  All Brian knew was that he had heard gun-fire, and having only heard the man’s voice, there was no guarantee that Justin was unharmed.  The door opened and they watched as some of the team members were brought out on stretchers.  It amazed Brian how young some of them looked.  Kids, some looking barely old enough to even drive, were fighting terrorism. 

Justin comes down the small hallway, holding onto a bound and blindfolded man.  Justin turned to another man beside him, and nodded.  Justin moved in front of Nikita, and Brian noted dried blood on the side of Justin’s head.  The older man had to put his hands in his pocket in order to keep himself from reaching out and touching it.  “Good work,” Nikita told him.  

“Striker will give the information to Jason, and we’ll see what we can get out of it.  They were able to destroy part of their records before we got there.  I think they knew we were coming,” Justin informed his boss.  

Nikita nodded, then turned toward their prisoner.  “Take our guest to the White Room, and inform Michael,” she ordered the men beside Justin.  Turning back to the leader of the team, she smiled slightly.  “Good work, Justin.  Now why don’t you get checked out, and meet Michael down there.”

“Of course,” Justin said as he turned and walked down the passage way.  

Nikita turned toward Brian, and nodded her head for him to follow.  “You can meet them down there if you’d like.  See how we interrogate our ‘guest’,” she said shaking her head.  “I can tell you though,” she paused, placing her hand on his arm.  “You might not like what you see, if you decide to go.  What you will see… what you will see Michael and Justin do… It won’t be easy to watch.”

Brian thought about the woman’s words carefully – wondering what she was talking about.  “If it becomes too much, I’ll let you know,” he said leaving the woman behind and heading toward the room Walter had shown him before.  Brian was determined to learn everything he could about this place.  He knew that if he was going to have a chance to help Justin, he would have to see Justin at his best and his worst.  No, Brian would see every aspect of his lovers life… no matter what it cost him emotionally.

* * * * * * * * *

Brian stood high above a small room, looking in through the glass.  In the middle of the room was the man that Justin had brought in, strapped to a chair.  Two other people were in the room – a man and a woman – doing things… things that Brian only thought existed in movies.  He could hear the screams – feel the pain as the two worked the man over.  Brian figured he could’ve handled it if they had just beaten the man… but this was almost too much.  The two left the man alone in the room, trying to catch his breath.

The door opened and Justin and Michael walked in so that Justin was behind the man and Michael stood right in front.  “Mr. Turner,” Justin’s voice rang out in the quiet room.  The young man’s cold, hard, emotionless voice carried it’sway up to Brian’s heart – sending a wave of panic through him.  He hated seeing Justin like this.  This wasn’t the man he knew.  “Who do you report to?  Who inside the Collective ordered the strike?” Justin asked.

The man didn’t answer, and Brian watched as Michael made his way over to a small screen on the wall.  “You have a wife… children being held by the Collective,” Michael said as a picture appeared on the screen of a young woman and two young children – a boy and a girl.  “We could get them out, protect them.  Tell us what we need to know, and we’ll make sure they’re safe.”

The man just looked around and didn’t answer.  “The Collective won’t care if they live or die.  We know where they are being held, and we can take you to them.  All they need is one word from us, and we can save them.  Tell us what we need to know and within ten minutes they will be free.”  Justin walked around the chair and kneeled down so that he could look the man in the eye.  Turning he looked over at the screen.  “They are beautiful children.  I’d hate to see anything happen to them.”  Turning back to the man, Justin stood.  “Tell us what we need to know, and I assure you they will be safe.”

“Cordel,” the man said quietly.“He ordered the strike.”

Michael moved to the side of the chair blocking the man’s view of his family.  “What other targets are being planned?”

“London, Saudi Arabia, Tel Aviv, Baghdad, and Washington D.C.  They plan on making it look like the other side did it.  They want the U.S. to be so worried about the other that they don’t even pay attention anymore.,”the man explained.

“Why,” Justin asked.

“I … I don’t know.  I swear!  I told you everything I know.  Now please… my wife… my children.  I don’t know any more,” the man cried.

Justin turned and left the room, leaving Michael in with the prisoner.  “If we find out you’re lying… your family will die,” Michael informed him and left the room, as well.  The man was left alone, looking at video of his wife and children… wondering if they would survive to see another day.

Brian turned and walked away from the room and headed back toward Coms. He wanted to make sure that the family was all right.  That man’s son… he was the same age as Gus, and Brian had to know that he would be okay.  As he passed by Justin’s office, he saw the young man sitting behind his desk working on his computer.  Knocking on the door, Brian entered.  “Can we talk a minute?” Brian asked.

Justin reached over and typed something into the consul beside him and leaned back in his chair.  “What can I do for you,” Justin asked.  

Brian moved and sat down in the chair across from Justin, looking for some glimpse of the man the he knew.  All he saw was the same closed off man that had haunted this place all day.  There was no sign of the happy, lovable young man that Brian had spent the past couple of days with… the young man who he had shared his bed with.  “That man’s family… did we get them?  Are they all right?” Brian asked.

Brian thought he caught a glimpse of sadness in Justin’s eyes, but only for a second before it was replaced with a cold mask of indifference.  “Most likely his family is already dead.  The Collective wouldn’t let them live once they heard that he was captured.”

Brian stood up and leaned against Justin’s desk.  “What?  But you said…”

Justin only looked up at Brian, showing nothing on his face.  “I know what I said… what Michael said.  However, you need to understand where we are coming from.  No, we never did know where his family was being held.  No, we never had any intention of freeing them.  Yes, we lied to him… so what?  He’s not going to make it out of here, Brian.  That’s just the way we have to do things.  If you’re going to work for the Center or whatever, you need to understand that.  We do whatever we have to do so that lives may be saved.  It’s all a part of the job.  He’ll never know that we didn’t save them… and it really doesn’t matter now anyway.”

Brian shook his head in disgust.  “So you get what you want and fuck everything, everyone else?  Is that how it is?”

“Oh, like you haven’t!” Justin said with the first emotion Brian had seen him show all day… anger.  “Like you haven’t screwed people over for your own good… like you haven’t fucked people over.  You have made people do what they wouldn’t otherwise do, then pretended like it wasn’t your fault.  You don’t know the first thing that goes on here… you STILL don’t understand what it is we really do.  You sat there and saw what we do, you witnessed a mission… you’ve seen what happens if we don’t act.  So what if we do what we have to do so that people live.  Think about what would happen, Brian, if we didn’t get him to talk… think about how many people would die in their next bombing.”

Justin came around the desk so that he could stand in front of Brian.  Sitting down on the edge he took a deep breath and calmed his anger.  Brian was the only one who could force this emotion out of him…something that hadn’t happened in a long time.  “We did him a favor.  By making him think that we would protect his family is saved him a lot of pain.  Cause one way or another we would’ve gotten the information… this way we just saved him from being tortured to near death.  He gets to die thinking that his family is taken care of.  Wouldn’t you want to know that Gus was safe before you died?  Even if it wasn’t true?  We’re not complete monsters, Brian.  We just do what we have to do.  This is who I am, Brian.  If you can’t accept that … then leave.”

Justin moved back around his desk and sat down.  Brian looked up at Justin, shook his head and left the office.  He couldn’t stand to be in the same room with the young man.  That wasn’t the Justin he knew… this was some vicious beast.  As Brian walked down the stairs he something caught his eye.  Staring, Brian couldn’t believe what he was seeing… it was impossible.  ‘But then again, I thought Justin was dead too,’ he thought.  Feeling the anger rise within him, and the fear he felt for Justin’s safety, Brian started to walk across the room and headed straight toward the other man.

“Where are you headed in a hurry?” Walter asked as he stepped in front of Brian, stopping the man from going after anyone.

Brian looked down at Walter and gritted his teeth.  “Get the fuck out of my way,” he hissed.

“I know what you’re trying to do, and I’m telling you… it’s not worth it.  Now why don’t you come with me, and I’ll explain everything.”  Walter touched Brian’s arm and lead the man over toward munitions.  “I know what you’re thinking,” Walter began.

Brian looked at the man with anger in his eyes.  “Somehow I highly doubt that you have any idea.  What the fuck is Chris Hobbs doing here?”  Brian felt the anger within him, and he wanted to kill the man on sight.  “Does Justin know this shit?”

Walter moved to sit down in one of the chairs and pointed to one across from him.  “Why don’t you sit, and I’ll tell you everything I know.”  Brian reluctantly sat, keeping an eye out in Coms so he could see where Hobbs was at at all times.  “Justin knows.  In fact he’s been ordered to train Dear Mr. Hobbs.”

“What?” Brian yelled.  “You’ve got to fucking be kidding me?”

Walter shook his head.  “I wish I was.  Knowing that he did to Justin… I want to rip his throat out.  But… Justin seems all right with it – as much as he can anyway.”

Brian shook his head in disbelief.  He spotted Justin walk into Coms and step up beside Hobbs.  He wished he knew what Justin said to the prick, but their backs were to him.  Once Justin was finished he stepped back and pointed toward one of the hallways off to the left, and followed Hobbs out of the area.  “He never told me.”

“Why would he?  I’m sure he thought that you wouldn’t understand,” Walter told him.

Brian turned around quickly and stared at Walter.  “And why the fuck should I?  What’s to understand that you have Justin train the same asshole who tried to kill him?”

Walter stood and nodded his head – indicating that he wanted Brian to follow him.  As the two men walked through Coms and toward where Justin had went, Walter tried to explain things to the other man.  “Justin didn’t know that Hobbs was even planned to come into Section.  It wasn’t until the day that Hobbs was here that he was informed.”  Shaking his head, Walter began to laugh slightly.  “You should’ve seen it.  Justin walked in… Hobbs came after him, next thing the poor kid knew, he had a face full of cement and a gun pointed to his head.  Justin can take care of himself now.  One step out of bounds, Hobbs will be cancelled.  It’s that simple.  No one will let anything happen to Justin.”

“I don’t like it… how can they do this?”  Brian asked shaking his head.  No matter how pissed he was at Justin, he never wanted Justin to have to deal with Hobbs again.  “Why is Hobbs here?”

Walter and Brian stopped at a large room, and leaned against the railing.  “From what I understand, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But Justin will handle it.  You have to trust him to handle it on his own.”  Walter said as he pointed at the floor below.  “It wasn’t his choice, but he is doing his job.  That’s all anyone here can do.”  Walter lightly patted Brian on the shoulder, and left the other man standing there above the training room.

Brian stood there watching Justin and Hobbs going through some martial arts moves.  Anyone watching could see the anger that Hobbs had toward his trainer.  Every time that Hobbs came after Justin, Brian felt his heart stop in his chest.  All he could see was Hobbs coming around the back of the jeep, bat poised and ready.  He could hear the sickening sound of the bat connecting against Justin’s skull.  Brian had to stop himself from running into the room and ending Hobbs’ life.  ‘ _That shit shouldn’t be allowed near Justin.  He shouldn’t be allowed to fucking live,’_ Brian swore.  

He was pissed.  _‘Why the hell didn’t Justin tell me?  I think I have a right to know that the asshole is here.’_   Brian decided that he would have to have a long talk with Justin.  No matter how angry he was at the scene earlier, this by far took the cake.  Was their relationship -- if one could call it that -- now going to be full of lies, half truths, and withheld information?  

No.  Brian was going to put a stop to this now, before it got out of hand.  If the two of them were going to have anything, this shit was going to have to stop.  No more games.

Brian felt a hand on his arm, and without looking he knew who the person was.  Brian kept his attention on the floor below, watching Hobbs practice.  “I had no choice, Bri,” Justin quietly told the older man.  “You don’t get much of a choice here… it’s do or die.  I knew you would be pissed.”

“Is that your excuse for not telling me,” Brian asked in quiet anger.  “Well thanks a hell of a lot, Sunshine.  I have to find out that that homophobic asshole is here by seeing him?  Is that the way we’re playing things now?”

Justin turned so he could lean up against the railing and watch his material.  “What do you want me to say, Brian?  What in the hell could make this any better?  Do you think I like seeing him every day, knowing what he cost me?  Do you honestly think that this is easy on me?  It’s my life he destroyed, Brian.  My life he took away from me.  But I have a job to do, and that’s to make him into an Operative.  I plan on making him into one of the best damn Operatives there is, no matter what.  I’ve already sold my soul, Brian… what’s one more sin?”

Justin didn’t say any more as he turned and walked away from the man he loved, while Brian tried to calm himself.  He was angry -- angry at Justin, angry at Section… angry at the world for putting Justin through this.  Knowing that nothing will get accomplished, Brian turned and left the area, needing to get as far away from Section and Justin as possible.  He had to think.  

* * * * * * * * *

Brian looked out over the Paris night skyline wondering what he was doing here.  What he was going to do?  Could he have a relationship with Justin?  Things had turned from bad to worse as the day progressed, and Brian wondered when things had gone so wrong.  _‘Was it really yesterday morning when we had last held each other?  Was that our last time?’_   Brian shook his head.  _‘No, we can get through this.  We have to.  I don’t know if I can be without him again.  I won’t!’_   

Brian knew he would have to think about how to salvage everything so they could get back to what they had.  ‘ _Now, if only Justin would come home.’_

__

* * * * * * * * *

Justin left Section and just began to walk down the crowded streets toward his apartment.  He left his car there, not caring about the cold night, or much of anything.  He felt numb.  He felt like the ‘machine’ he tried to portray.  He needed time to think about what he was going to do, what he wanted, and how the hell he would explain things to Brian.  He couldn’t do that if he took his car.  ‘ _Hell, I might not ever make it back to the apartment.  I might not ever make it back period.’_   

_  ‘It all seems so unreal.  My life these past couple weeks has been turned upside down and inside out.  I thought I was living a pretty good life.  I knew where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be.  I had actually almost convinced myself that I didn’t have a life before I had woken up within Section.  I had almost convinced myself that I would be okay with that, and happy.  Then, in one week, everything I had lead myself to believe turned out to be a lie.  My past came back to haunt me, in more fucking ways than I care to think about.’ _

__

_ ‘It’s stupid to think that it’s just all one big plot to get at me… I mean it’s stupid.  But then again, I know who I’m dealing with.  It can’t be a coincidence that Mr. Jones and Brian are working together… that Brian’s firm just so happened to be the one that Mr. Jones picked.  I don’t believe in fate anymore.  I think I’d go insane if I did.’ _

__

_ ‘I mean, if I believed in fate, I would have to take a serious look at everything and try and figure out why things are the way they are.  But then the question would be… where to start?  Do I start the night I met Brian?  The Prom?  A week ago?  Hell, do I go back as far as when I realized I was gay?  I don’t know.  Even though she’s dead, I feel Madeline isstill running my life.  I always believed she had this ‘big plan’ for me… I mean, why else would she choose me?  Why did she bring me into Section to begin with?  So many questions and absolutely no answers.’ _

__

Justin moved over to a small park just down the street from his apartment, and sat down on one of the benches.  The crisp, cool night air bit his skin through his jacket.  

__

* * * * * * * * *

_ ‘What can I say?  What will make this right?’ _ Brian thought to himself.  Heading over to the small bar, he pulled out a bottle of JB and poured himself a glass.  _‘Justin was right… this is his life now.  There’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  I have to accept it or not.  If I can’t,then I can forget about ever seeing him again.  Never again will I be able to hold him, kiss him.  Fuck!  I never thought that things would get this messy when I got off the plane.’_

Brian sat down on the couch, glass in hand and began to assess the whole situation.  He knew that he couldn’t live without Justin in his life anymore.  Now that he had a taste, he couldn’t live without it.  He had to have the chance to make up for the time they had lost.  _‘The time Section and Hobbs took away from us.’_   His boss, Vance, was the head of the Section.  Brian didn’t think that he could work for the man again without being a part of it.  Knowing that Vance was one of the men who decided who lived or died.  

But could he actually lie to all of his friends and family?  Could he look Deb in the eye on the anniversary of the Prom – seeing the tears clouding her eyes – and pretend that he’s just as sad as she is?  Could he look at Jennifer Taylor again and NOT tell her that her son was still alive?  Could he walk away from the one good thing that had happened in his life?

The answer to the last question was NO.  No he couldn’t walk away.  The only problem… the real problem was whether or not he could handle this new Justin.  Could he actually handle seeing Justin as a machine – unfeeling, uncaring?  It would be hard, no doubt about that, but for Justin he would.  He would have to.  When he had told Vance that he would join the Center, he had agreed to do just that.  Of course at the time he hadn’t truly known what it was he was getting himself into.  But now… now he knew.  

That was the problem.  He now knew what they did – had seen it with his own eyes.  And although he didn’t like what they had done to the man they had brought in, he could somewhat understand it.  He didn’t have to like it, but he was slowly beginning to understand.  It wouldn’t be enough to keep him away.

The biggest problem was Hobbs.  _‘I don’t like Justin being near that asshole.  What if Hobbs decides to finish the job, and I’m not there to stop it?  I can’t lose him now.’_  Taking another drink from his glass, Brian closed his eyes.  He didn’t want to think about what it felt like to see the bat heading toward Justin’s head.  He didn’t want to see the blood – the life – pouring out of the young man.  

His mind flashed to Justin standing there in the hallway, blood dripping down his face, no emotion.  He remembered seeing Justin in the practice room, throwing Hobbs across the mat.  Justin with an AK-47 hanging from his shoulder.  He realized something then… something that no matter how much he hated, he could do nothing about it.  Justin could take care of himself.  Justin had survived that hell for the past five years.  Survived without Brian looking out for him.

That thought sent a pain through Brian’s chest like nothing else.  Justin didn’t need Brian to look out for him.  He didn’t need Brian to protect him.  

Walter was right.  What Justin needed was someone to make him feel alive again.  Justin needed Brian to keep him grounded, and not allow the young man to lose himself in the horrors around him.

* * * * * * * * *

The door opened, and Justin saw Brian sitting on the couch.  A part of him felt relieved, knowing that the older man hadn’t left him.  That had been Justin’s biggest fear – that once Brian knew what he really was he would flee on the first plane back to Pittsburgh and never return.  Shutting the door, Justin just stood there, watching as Brian made his way over.  “Bri…”

Brian reached Justin, and cupped Justin’s face.  Leaning down to place the younger man’s on his own, Brian decided that no matter what he would do what needed to be done to keep Justin with him.  “It doesn’t matter,” Brian whispered against Justin’s lips.  “All that matters is that you’re here.  Fuck the rest.”

Justin pulled back slightly so he could look Brian in the eye, trying to gauge the truth of the man’s words.  Seeing what he was looking for, Justin smiled.  “I love you, Bri.”

Brian smiled, taking comfort in the words.  “Ditto,” he replied.  Brian then decided to let the world just disappear as he grabbed Justin’s hand and lead him to the bedroom.  _‘Fuck the rest… we’re together.  That’s all that matters.’_

* * * * * * * * *

Justin lightly pulled on Brian’s arm as they reached the step of the Le Grand Louvre.  Brian was reminded of the young man who had stolen his heart all those years ago.  It was the first time since he had laid eyes on the young man a month ago, that he had seen the light in Justin’s eyes.  

“I feel like a kid again.” Justin said with a bright smile.  “I can’t remember the last time I did something like this without some ulterior motive.”  

Brian could only shake his head as he was lead through the large museum.  It was a beautiful structure.  And although Brian would rather have been able to spend their ‘down-time’ in another fashion, seeing Justin so alive made it all worth it.  Brian would do anything to keep Justin from having to return to the hell that was waiting for him deep below the Paris streets.  

“This place was built back in 1190.” Justin recited.  “It was first just a fortress.  It had dungeon, weapons… everything.  Of course it was then a palace, and in the 1700’s, it became this.”  Justin’s eyes lit up with excitement as they began to walk through the halls.  Brian listened to Justin as he described each piece they came across, hearing the admiration in the young man’s voice.  It pained Brian to know that Justin would never be able to have this… to never be able to be a famous artist.  They stopped in front of the Mona Lisa, and Justin silently admired the beauty of the painting.  Brian had to admit it was more than what he had ever thought it would be.  The pictures and descriptions did not do the painting justice at all.  Seeing it now… through Justin’s eyes, Brian had a better understanding of everything.  Life seemed a lot better, a lot easier to handle with Justin around.  Brian knew that he would never tire of it.

“I often think about what it would be like.” Justin began.  “To create something like this… to be able to give all these people the same type of happiness that these artists have.  There are a lot of times that I sit there and wish that I could just sit in a small villa, without thinking about where the next bullet is going to come from.  Just sitting there watching the sunset, and putting what I see on paper.  Wishing that I had someone who could see it… wondering what the person would feel if they looked at it.”  Justin held onto Brian’s hand as they continued to walk through the halls, stopping occasionally to take a closer look at one of the paintings lining the walls.  “What would they see?  Anger?  Fear?  Love?”  Turning to look at Brian, Justin could only shrug.  “Just something that I think about,you know?  I guess it’s the artist in me.  It’s something that is always there… will always be there.”

Brian moved his hand from Justin’s and placed his arm around the young man’s shoulders.  “Do you still draw?”

Justin nodded.  “Yeah, at times.  I don’t get much of a chance anymore, but when I’m alone I try.  It’s not always something that I would let Gus look at… but I guess I’m grateful that I still can.”

Brian remembered something that Vance had told him, and he gave a small smile.  “Well I can tell you that the office loves whatever you do.”

Justin turned to look at Brian, his confusion apparent on his face.  “What?”

“Vance.” Brian said as an explanation.  Seeing Justin’s eyes light up in recognition, Brian pulled the younger man closer to him.  “I never would have guessed.  Of course I never really saw you with paints… when did you get into that?”

“A couple of years ago.”  Justin ledBrian out of the museum and down toward a small café on the corner.  Sitting down, they both ordered a light lunch.  “After the prom, I had problems using my right hand.”  Brian lowered his eyes, anger filling him at the thought of what was taken from them.  He should have been there for Justin… helped Justin, but it was all taken away from him.  They hadn’t talked much about what happened while they were apart, and Brian was grateful that Justin seemed to want to share.  Brian wanted to know everything that happened to him, no matter how painful.  “Anyway, holding a pencil for a long time was almost impossible.  My hand would shake… so as soon as I got my own place on the outside, I decided,what the hell?  I picked up a brush and just started to work.  I figured it wouldn’t matter if my hand shakes or not… I’d just call it abstract and it would be okay.”

Brian shook his head, reaching out to take a hold of Justin’s right hand.  “Is it better now?”

Justin shrugged, not wanting to appear like he was bothered at all.  Brian could see that it still caused his lover some discomfort.  “Mostly yeah.  There are still times that I lose it, but it’s getting better every day.  I have the most trouble with it if I’m tired, stressed.  There are times though, on missions that I will see something… I just want to pull out a sketchpad and get it down.  I wish I could, but …”  Justin left the rest unsaid, but Brian knew what he meant.  

“Maybe there can be a way where you won’t have to go out so much.” Brian said.  That was one thing that he hoped he could accomplish within the Center.  He wanted to make sure that Justin was safe, and would be around for a long time.  Unfortunately where the young man currently was made it impossible for that to happen.  He wasn’t ready to lose Justin again, and no matter what, Brian made it his goal to make sure that Justin was around for years to come.

“Brian,” Justin began as he placed his other hand on top of their joined ones.  “Don’t.  Don’t put yourself in jeopardy for me.  It’s not worth it.  I know what I have to do to keep coming back… what I have to do to survive.  I couldn’t stand by and watch as others did what I can do.  I couldn’t live with myself if I knew that someone else was hurt because I wasn’t there to stop it… to help.  I may not like my life… but I’m content.  I know who I am now, what I am… I wouldn’t have it any other way.  You have to trust that I will come back.  That I will do everything I can to return home.”

Brian turned his eyes away from Justin.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to survive if he had lost Justin again.  ‘ _Not after I just found him.  I can’t lose him now.  I’ll just have to convince him that he has to protect himself.  I’ll have to find a way to make sure he’s out of harms way.’_   Knowing that he would not win the argument now, Brian took a deep breath.  “I know that, Justin.  But I still want to help.”

“And you will.  By being in Center… you can make sure that we don’t get shafted on information.  You can make sure that what we’re doing is right, and not just some revenge scheme.  We never know what the real reasons behind things are.  We have been used time and time again by both the Center and by Oversight for their own personal goals.  I don’t mind it too much, but I prefer to know the reason behind things.  I want to know that it’s not senseless killings, that we’re actually doing some good.”  Justin reached across so he could lightly run his hand across Brian’s cheek.  “I’m not going to use you to ensure my safety, Brian.  I won’t do that to you… to me… to those I work with.  I’m going to go on fighting, it’s what I have to do.  My only hope is that you’ll make sure that they remember that we’re not robots… that we are people too.  That’s what’s been lost.  We, as people, have been lost in the struggles between the Sections, and Oversight and the Center.  Everyone has forgotten about those of us who go out and complete these missions.  We have been lost in the shuffle.  I can only hope that with you there, things can get better.”

Brian grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand and placed a light kiss on the palm.  “You won’t get lost if I have anything to say about it.”  Giving Justin a small smile, Brian leaned back in his chair as the waiter began to place their lunch in front of them.  “So,” Brian asked changing the subject.  “I’m only here for another couple of days… what do you have planned?”

Justin’s eyes took on a slight mischievous look, and smiled at Brian.  “Ohhhh, I’m sure I could come up with some things.”

Brian leaned over the table so he could lightly kiss Justin’s lips.  “As long as fucking is in those plans, Sunshine… I’m up for anything.”

“It most definitely is.  Have to store up the memory bank for those long, lonely nights.”

“Only a couple of months of lonely nights, if I have anything to say about it.” Brian confessed.  There was no way in hell he was going to stay away for long.  Brian was going to make sure that he came back to Paris every chance he could.

“Have you thought about what you are going to do when you get back to the Pitts?” Justin asked.

Brian shrugged, sitting back down and began to pick at his food.  “Hell if I know.  Vance and I will discuss it on the plane ride back I guess.”

Justin nodded, silently wishing that he could be the one going back with Brian.  Wishing and knowing the truth were two separate things.  There would be no way he would ever step foot in Pittsburgh again.  Section would never allow it.  “Well you’ll just have to hit the clubs for me.  Pick up some hot, young stud and fuck him for me.  Pick on Michael for me.  You know,the usual.” Justin said with a smile.

“Ohhh, so you can live your life vicariously through me, huh?”

“Yep,” Justin answered.  “I don’t have a life, so that means you have to have one for the both of us.  Think you’re up for that… old man?”

Brian almost choked on his salad as he glanced up at Justin’s bright smile.  “Ohhh, I’ll show you old.” Brian said throwing money on the table in front of him.  Grabbing a hold of Justin’s hand, Brian dragged Justinout of the café and directly toward the young man’s apartment.  

* * * * * * * * *

Justin lightly ran his hand across Brian’s chest as he lay with his head on the other man’s shoulder.  The two had barely made it into the apartment before clothes were being ripped off their bodies, and it was only after the second time that they had finally made it up the stairs to the bed.  It seemed like they were both trying to get as much of each other as they could, since neither knew when and if they would ever see each other again once Brian left.  Justin knew that the likelihood that they would have years together was very slim, but he wouldn’t let that take anything away from their time together.  Feeling Brian’s hand glide across his back, Justin closed his eyes, wanting to burn the feeling of Brian’s touch in his mind.  He wanted it burned so deep within him that he could call it up at any time… that he could feel Brian surround him even when the man was not around.  “Walter wanted to take us out to dinner tomorrow night, if you want to.”

Brian only nodded, not wanting to break the peace that had settled between them.  Brian didn’t mind the older man...in fact, he saw an ally in him.  Brian knew that Walter would do everything he could to make sure that Justin survived, and for that alone, he felt he could trust the man.  “He said he wanted to take us out dancing too.” Brian heard Justin continue.  “I’m a little scared about where he would take us.  Some biker club?  I don’t know.  He’s a great guy though.  I don’t know what I would do without him.”

“Let’s hope we never have to find out.” Brian said.  “He cares a lot about you.”

“He’s helped me out a lot.  I don’t know if I’d be here now if it wasn’t for him.”  Justin moved slightly so that he could look into Brian’s eyes.  “He likes you, you know?  He’s someone that we can trust.”

“I know.” Brian answered looking up into Justin’s eyes.  Reaching up, Brian began to run his fingers through Justin’s hair.  “I like it long.  Makes you look older.”

“I am older.” Justin replied with a smile.

“Yeah, but you still can look 12.”  Brian pulled Justin down so that their lips touched in a brief kiss.  

“All anyone would have to do is look in my eyes and that belief would go out the window.”  Justin said with a hint of sadness as he moved back to lay his head on Brian’s chest.  “I’m not an innocent kid anymore, Brian.  I’ll never be that person anymore.  I’ll never be the person you met all those years ago.”

“And I’ll never be the person you met either.  Times chance… people change.  It doesn’t mean that we can’t make it work.  We’ve both done things in the past that we’re not happy with.  We deal with it and move on.”  Brian explained as he placed his cheek against the top of Justin’s head.  “We’ll deal with things as they come, Justin… together.”

Justin nodded slightly, and let out a deep breath.  “Yeah, but the things you have done are nowhere near what I have, Brian.”

Brian laughed slightly at that.  “Please, I almost help get some homophobic assholeelected mayor.”  Brian grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand before the young man could pinch him.  “So things are different, but we’re the same people under it all.  As long as I know that I’m the center of your universe, we’ll be alright.”

Justin sat up and stared down at Brian.  “Don’t you mean that I’m the center of yours?”

“Whatever, don’t get all lesbianic on me, okay?  You know what I mean.”

Justin smiled and leaned down so that their faces were inches apart.  “You love me.  You love me soooo much.”  Brian reached up and began to tickle Justin’s sides, as the two began to fight for superiority.  Rolling around on the bed, Brian took joy in hearing the laughter filling the small apartment… hearing Justin happy.  

Pinning the young man on the bed, with his hands above his head, Brian leaned down crushing his lips onto Justin’s.  Pushing his tongue inside the young man’s willing mouth, Brian felt comforted in what they had shared… what they had.  Pulling away slightly, Brian waited until Justin’s bright blue eyes were looking at him.  “You know I do… and don’t you ever forget it.”  Without waiting for an answer, Brian moved quickly back down to Justin’s lips.  He may never be able to actually say the words, but he wouldn’t deny them anymore if Justin brought it up… he wouldn’t hide what he felt from the young man anymore.  If Brian had learned one thing during the past month they had together it was that their time could be over at any minute.  Brian wasn’t going to waste any more time without Justin.  He was going to live every day as if it was their last.

* * * * * * * * *

Brian was impressed with Walter’s choices.  He wasn’t sure what the older man would come up with, but a nice quiet diner and a club that catered to both gay and straight wasn’t it.  He had thought the same thing that Justin had… a biker club.  Not that Brian would’ve minded being around all that leather, well not as long as he could see Justin in it too.  Tomorrow he would be on a plane heading back to Pittsburgh, and Brian swore that he would do everything in his power to make their last night together go on and on.  He didn’t want it to end.  Luckily he was able to convince Vance to take a late flight out, but it still wasn’t enough for Brian.  He wasn’t ready to leave.

“Come on, old man,” Justin began as he reached for Brian’s hand.  “Show me that you can still heat up the dance floor.”

Walter laughed beside the two.  “Don’t you mean dance?”

Justin laughed and shook his head.  “Please, Brian can’t dance for shit… but he tries real hard.  And besides… what we do isn’t dancing.  It’s basically fucking standing up.”

Brian looked over at Justin, trying his best to look hurt at the young man’s words.  “I can toodance.”

“Yeah right.  Brian, admit it.  You are not a dancer… well at least not here.” Justin said with a gleam in his eyes.   “Well actually he’s not too bad at the waltz if I remember correctly… but out here?”  Justin could only shake his head.  “Come on… I don’t want to dance alone.” He said pulling on Brian’s arm trying to get him out onto the dance floor.

“Now why should I go out there with you? If what you say is true… then why would I want to embarrass myself?” Brian asked.  Knowing that it wasn’t a hard fight, that he would follow Justin to the ends of the earth, he pretended to be pulled against his will out onto the floor.  Pulling Justin flush with his body, Brian began to grind their bodies together, making sure that they were always touching.  “I’ll show you not being able to dance.”

“Admit it, Brian.  You can’t dance.  But you know what?” Justin asked.  Leaning into Brian even more, Justin pulled his lover’s lips down toward his own.  “I like our dancing any day.  It’s a lot better.”

Looking down at his young lover, Brian smiled.  “You just like sex in public places.”

“So?  I learned from the best… and I have the best.  All these guys only wish they were me right now.”  Justin told Brian.  

“Please, they all wish they were me.”  Brian corrected Justin.  “I mean who wouldn’t want to be fucking a hot looking, blond with a nice ass.”  Justin laughed as the two continued to grind together, allowing themselves the chance to lose themselves in the music and each other.  “ Now this is what I'm talking about.”

“What?  This?”  Justin asked looking around.  “Brian, you're kidding right?  More shit goes on here than anywhere out there.  More lies, more fights, and more dealings are done here.”

Brian shook his head and looked down at Justin, cupping the young man’s chin in his hand.  “No, I meant ... us.  It’s like we were never apart… like it should be.”

Justin smiled up at his lover, knowing what was unspoken between them.  “I love you, Brian.  And things will work out… you’ll see.”

Looking into his lover’s eyes, Brian took comfort in the blue orbs.  “We’ll make it work.”  Not wanting to waste any more of their last night together with what could have been’s, Brian reached for Justin’s hand and lead the young man out of the club.  They had more important things to do than waste time there.  They only had sixteen hours to make as many memories as they could… no point in wasting time.

* * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * *

One Month Later…

Brian sat at his desk, thinking about how much things have changed for him in the past couple of months.  He was supposed to be going over some of the latest figures that Vance had handed him, but he couldn’t get his mind on that task.  All Brian wanted to do at that moment was hop on a plane and be waiting for Justin at the apartment.  _‘Has it really been only a month?’_ Brian wondered.  It was hard to believe that only a month had gone by… it seemed longer than that to him.  

Since his return, Brian had forced himself to keep up the old pretences.  He had tried to pretend to still be the man who had left that city a month prior.  Brian was finding it harder and harder to do.  He couldn’t believe the ignorance of people… how people just went on with their lives, not knowing or hell even caring what was going on around them.  His old friends seemed foreign to him, his old life seemed meaningless.  He never would’ve thought that one person could have made such an impact on his life like Justin had.  _‘Hell, like all of them had.’_

He remembered those last few hours that he had spent with Justin.  He had left knowing that Justin would be taken care of… that Justin was cared for.  It was a cold comfort to him that it wasn’t himself who was watching over the young man, but Brian knew he had to deal with the cards dealt to them. Smiling, Brian wondered how Justin was able to work in that office without getting a hard-on.

* * * * * * * * *

_ One Month Prior… Brian’s last day in Paris. _

Hearing a knock at the door, Justin called out that the door was open.  Seeing Brian step into the office brought a smile to the young man’s face.  Brian turned and locked the door after he closed it, and closed the blinds.  Catching on, Justin reached over to the side of his desk and activated the privacy lock.  “Everything set?  How did debriefing go?”

Brian moved across the room so that he could stand beside Justin’s chair.  Reaching across, Brian ran his fingers through the silky strands.“Fine.  I think I’m ready for life with the Center.”  Justin nodded as he moved his chair closer to Brian allowing himself to be directly between the older man’s legs.  “Come here.” Brian whispered.  Pulling the young man up from the chair, Brian lightly kicked the offensive item across the room and crushing his lips against Justin’s.  Both worked to free each other of their clothes, wanting to be as close to each other as they could.  Once Justin’s shirt was off, Brian began to move down his lover’s neck sucking and biting the delicate flesh located beneath his lips.  Moving further down, he began to take Justin’s perk nipples into his mouth, moving between one and the other.  Brian couldn’t get enough of the blond, he wanted to taste ever inch of him.  

Justin’s hands moved down to Brian’s pants, quickly freeing the older man from the confines.  As clothes were removed, it allowed each access to more flesh… more chances to touch and memorize each other.  No words were spoken, as Brian placed Justin on top of the desk, and lay on top of him.  Nothing could be said verbally that hadn’t already been said.  Nothing could be said that needed to be said.  They let actions speak for them.  Pushing deep into Justin’s willing body, Brian tried to force himself to remain calm.  He wanted this moment to last, wanted it to go on forever.  

Sweat poured off their bodies as they moved against one another.  Justin’s cock trapped between them, as they moved together.  Each thrust became deeper, stronger, hitting the nerve endings deep within Justin.  The end came too soon for both as they cried out in release.  

Collapsing down on top of Justin, Brian turned his head and kissed Justin’s lips.  “I love you, Brian.”

Holding the young man close to him, Brian let his touch speak for him.  As much as he wanted to cry out that he loved Justin too… he couldn’t.  Brian knew that one day he would, but that day wasn’t today.  In time, he would tell Justin how much he loved him… he wanted to make some things better for the young man first.  He wanted to ensure Justin’s safety… make sure that Justin would be around tomorrow.  Then… then he would tell Justin in words what he was willing to say in actions, in touch.  Brian was grateful, however, that Justin knew how he felt.  He didn’t think he would survive if Justin didn’t know.  “I know, Brian… I know.”  Was all that Justin had said, as he felt the tears fall down on his shoulder.  His own tears moved down his cheek.  Neither wanting to break apart yet, allowing themselves the last few moments of peace.

* * * * * * * * *

_ Present time  _

Brian closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair.  God, how he had missed Justin.  

Things hadn’t been easy for him since his return.  Michael was always around… always wanting to do things.  Everyone was asking questions that Brian couldn’t answer.  He couldn’t tell them that he had the best time of his life… that he had once again found himself.  He had to keep that part of it out of all discussion.  Of course he didn’t mind keeping it out of conversation.  Brian wanted Justin for himself, and was sort of grateful that he wasn’t allowed to discuss it.  He could only guess what everyone else would say if it came out that he had seen Justin.  Well that would be of course if they all knew he was alive.  Currently,they would just lock him up in the mental hospital.

As it was, Brian worked hard at avoiding the gangand topics about the trip.  He knew that Michael was getting tired of all the hours Brian was putting into work, and the excuses were running thin, but Brian didn’t care.  He was having a hard enough time trying to go back to the way things were.  Especially when all he wanted to do was make sure that the Sections had everything that they needed.  

He knew what was out there, and it frightened him.  He wondered how it would effect Gus… what would happen to his son as he grew older?  If things weren’t taken care of, would his own son have to fight this madness too?  Brian prayed to whoever he could that Gus would be spared.  Every chance he had, Brian made sure that he spent time with his son… letting the boy know that he was loved and cared for.  He never wanted his son to think that no one cared.  

Justin had told him about all of the children whom they fought.  He had explained about the groups who would use children for their plans.  Brian swore that his son would never be caught up in that.  His son would never doubt that he was loved.  

Vance was a problem at first… both trying to adjust to the new arrangement.  Both men were so used to Brian doing all the ad work, allowing Vance to handle his other things.  Now that Brian was a part of Center, they both had to share in the duties of running the agency.  Brian remembered the day that they discussed how things were going to go.   'I'm doing my job.  The one you told me to do.  What else is there?  Now, just stay the fuck away so I can do it.’  He had told Vance.  Brian would continue working the ads, but he told Vance that the other man would do his share.  Brian also explained that he would be allowed access to anything dealing with Section One.  They had finally worked out a deal in which Brian would get Section One leaving the other Sections up to Vance.  In return for Vance getting more of the Sections, Brian would take more of the ad campaigns.

So far it was working out fairly well.  

Brian was surprised however to learn that Cynthia had been working for Vance at the Center for years.  Although Brian felt slightly betrayed, he learned quickly where her loyalties lay, and she had turned into a valuable source of information.  Cynthia, above anyone else, taught Brian whatlife was like at the Center… what needed to be done and when.  Everything Brian now knew, he owed to Cynthia.  

Brian received encrypted reports and notes from Walter on a daily basis, giving him a glimpse into life there.  Walter would always give Brian reports on how Justin was doing, how the training of Hobbs was going.  Anything that he thought that Brian might want to know, he would tell him.  Brian was grateful for the older man’s reports.  It made him feel closer to Justin, and everyone there that he had met.  Brian didn’t feel so alone.  

Every couple of days he would also get a quick note from Justin.  Nothing compared to what Walter provided, but much more meaningful to Brian.  Justin never once went into anything dealing with the Section, only talking about what they would be doing when they saw each other next.  Justin’s messages were never on a set schedule, and Brian could always tell when Justin was on a mission cause he wouldn’t hear from the young man for days.  Luckily during the days that Justin was on a mission, Walter’s e-mails always increased in numbers.  Brian didn’t even want to think about what it would be like if anything changed.  A slight variation in the number of messages, Brian knew he would be on the first plane back to Paris.

“There’s someone here to see you.  A Michael Novotny?” Cynthia’s voice said across the speaker. 

  
Brian let out a silent curse, and quickly secured his office.  After placing all the secured information in a safe behind his desk, and pulling out a recent ad profile, Brian notified Cynthia that she could allow Michael in.  Once the man came into the office, Brian leaned back in his chair and looked at him.  “I thought I said that no one was to bother me at work unless it was an emergency.” Brian said looking up at his friend.  “So?”

Michael just shrugged and sat down in the chair across from Brian.  “Brian… We’re worried about you.”

“Why?  I’m fine… you’re fine.  Everyone is fine.”  Brian explained.

“Brian.  You don’t go out anymore.  Not since you came back from Paris.  We’re worried about you.  Did something happen over there that you can’t tell us about?”  Michael asked.  Leaning forward in his chair, Mikey looked over at Brian.  “I want to help.  I’m your best friend, and I’m here for you.”

Brian shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.  “Mikey.  Nothing is wrong.  I have a lot of shit to do.  You may not believe this, but this place doesn’t run itself.  I was gone for a month, and now I have to try and get not only that campaign up and running, but the shit that has piled up that needs to be done.  I have a fucking job, Mikey… I don’t have time to go out every fucking night.” Brian explained.  He hated that his friends were ‘worried’ about him.  He wasn’t going to explain what he was really working on, but it pissed him off that everyone wanted to butt in where they didn’t belong.  “You know, Mikey, spend one fucking day in here, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.  You do my job for a little while, and realize that when I get out of here, WHY I don’t want to go out.”

“You’re a partner.  Why can’t you get someone else to do it?  That’s what you pay them for.” Mikey whined.

“Yes, that’s what we pay them for… but Mikey… this is what I get paid the big bucks for.  If I’m not here to oversee the shit, and make sure everything is okay… then where the fuck would we be?”  Brian felt a headache start to build behind his eyes.  This was the argument that they had had almost daily since his return to Pittsburgh.  Brian felt bad for ignoring his friends, but he was going to be dammed if he was going to neglect his duties.  One little mistake, one slip up, and thousands could die.  Brian wasn’t going to be responsible for that… even if it cost him his friend.  “Mikey…” Brian began.  “Okay… look.  We’ll go out this weekend.  Friday night, I’m yours for the entire night.  Okay?”

Mikey smiled and shook his head.  “You really shouldn’t work too hard, Brian.”  

Before Mikey could say anything else, the door to Brian’s office opened, and a slightly out of breath Vance came in.  “Brian, we really need to talk.”  Vance looked over at Michael and straightened.  “Oh, I didn’t know you had guests.”

Brian caught his ‘partner’s’ demeanour and knew that something had gone wrong.  “Mikey was just leaving.”  Michael looked at Brian, shocked that he was being dismissed.  “I’ll talk to you later, Mikey.”

Nodding his head, Michael headed toward the door.  “Okay, but don’t forget about Friday.”

“Now how can I?” Brian said sweetly as he watched his friend head out the door.  Once the door was securely closed, he turned to Vance.  “What’s the big emergency?”

Vance moved and sat down in the chair that Michael just vacated.  “We have a slight problem.”  Brian just looked at Vance, waiting for the man to explain.  Taking a deep breath, Vance calmed enough to continue.  “Have you heard from your contacts in Section today?”

Brian thought about the question, and realized that the answer was no.  Normally by now he would have at least one e-mail, but he had been so busy that he hadn’t noticed the lack of one.  Turning back to his computer, Brian quickly logged into his account and scanned for new messages.  Seeing none, he opened his safe and pulled out a small PDA that Walter had given him before he left.  Walter had explained that it was the only way that they would be able to contact each other in case of emergency, without all the security protocols.  Nothing.  “What’s going on?” Brian asked, fear began to creep into his bones.  

“It has come to my attention that the Collective now has the Directory.” Vance explained.

Brian looked at his boss and shook his head.  “What’s that?”

Vance closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “It is a list… Specifically a list of every Operative that we have… locations for everything that we have.  Locations of the Sections, the Operatives… US.”

Brian leaned back in his chair, suddenly realizing what this meant.  Justin had told him about the time the Directory had last gotten into the wrong hands.  It had ended up with a war between the Sections and Red Cell.  Many people had lost their lives, and the Section was destroyed.  “What are we going to do?  What the fuck can we do?”  Brian asked.  

If the Collective knew where everyone was located, Brian knew that not only was Justin in trouble, but he was as well.  Everything that they had worked hard to build, that they were trying to prevent was now in danger of being destroyed.  “We pray.” Vance said.  “I have been told that someone is on their way here now.  They will make sure that we get to a safe, secure location.  We can only hope that this will be over soon.”

Brian closed his eyes, and sent a prayer out for the safety of Justin and Walter.  He wanted to make sure that they survived this, and that they all came out of this in one piece.  The Sections were now on their own, as were they.  He knew the protocol, and it meant that all communications were stopped.  A complete lockdown was now in effect.  They only way out of it was to get the information back… one way or the other.  Brian only hoped that they would all come out of it on top.

“Guess Friday night with the guys is out, huh?” Brian joked.  “Fuck!”

* * * * * * * * *

The End of Part ONE of Mandatory Refusal 

To be continued in Acceptable Collateral

A court is in session A verdict is in

No appeal on the docket today, just my own sin

The walls are cold and pale the cage made of steel

Screams fill the room alone I drop and kneel

Silence now the sound my breath the only motion around

Demons cluttering around my face showing no emotion

Shackled by my sentence expecting no return

Here there is no penance my skin begins to burn

(chorus)

So I held my head up high hiding hate that burns inside

Which only fuels there selfish pride

We're all held captive out from the sun

A sun that shines on only some

We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance see a vision of a cross

I feel the pain that was given on that sad day of loss

A lion roars in the darkness only he holds the key

A light to free me from my burden and grant me life eternally

Should have been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head

No time for mourning ain't got no time

(chorus)

I cry out to God seeking only his decision

Gabriel stands and confirms

I've created my own prison

Creed \- My Own Prison

**Author's Note:**

> will post the second part. Soo old, so all mistakes are mine. <3<3<3<3


End file.
